My Top Ten List

I have always been a fan of countdowns. I can remember sitting in the "heater room" at my Nanny and Papaw's with my cousins or listening to the top 100 songs of the year, recording my favorites, or the top 40 countdown while playing Monopoly with my brother. Right now on my DVR you will find the top 40 country songs of the decade.

So, as we are at the end of a decade, I decided to make a "Top 10 List" from 2000-2010. It is hard to put them in order of importance, aside from the last 3 but I'll have to say all have been some sort of event that has changed or molded my life in some way. So, here goes:

10. In 2001, by faith I finished out the year, and quit my first job as a teacher. We were truly stepping out on faith that we could make it on Jason's salary but I was so thankful and blessed to be able to stay home with Peyton and just work part-time. God provided!

9. Throughout 2001-02, I was enjoying my time with Peyton but Jason's schedule was one that kept him away a lot. As the schedules conflicted, and all that comes with being a new mom unfolded, I began to get very discouraged and just found myself being discontent. God placed Melanye in my life, at first as a mentor, but she has grown to become a very dear friend.

8. 2003 - We sold our house, quit our jobs and moved in with Jason's parents. (and I was pregnant!) We both went to work at DAC, and stayed with my in-laws for 7 months. It was a huge learning time for me to wait on God's timing and again, His provision, and a special time for preparation of what was next.

7. Illinois - 2003-2007- There's too much to write about these years in our lives, but when you move that far away from everything you've ever known, it causes you to appreciate what you have and totally depend on each other and the Lord.

6. Nashville- Ok, this one may seem silly, but over this past decade, Nashville has become one of our favorite cities. (However, we don't get to too many other cities,so maybe it wins by default!) Either way, we have been able to take many trips there, some for fun, some for Youth Minister conferences, but always enjoy a refreshing time away, and I also got to reconnect with a long, lost friend there!!! Love you, Amy!

5. Donya- I have no doubt that God planned for two southern girls to be in Illinois at the same time. Donya has been a friend who was there at the worst moment of my life. I cannot even put into words what she means to me other than saying that God sent her there, and knew that she'd be there to walk with me thru the sunshine and the rain. I love you, my friend. We'll always find something to celebrate!

4. 2008 & 2010 - Ecuador: I was able to take my first mission trip out of the country in 2008. I overcame my fear of flying!! What a life changing event! Unless you've been, you cannot describe it. I was able to go back this past year and will never forget this experience. I hope to get to go back!!

3. Over the past 10 years, God has slowly worked in me in spite of myself and allowed me to lead ( I prefer the word facilitate) several Bible studies. It started at Trinity when I SO did not feel like I should be leading those awesome college students; Then I had such a sweet, vivacious, and crazy Bible study group in Chatham, that I miss so much!! Now, here, I am still "facilitating" groups here, and God constantly slaps me in the face with each one we do!!

2. I count it an honor and privilege to be able to minister along side Jason. I know not everyone gets to do what we do, and we have so many "spiritual" children that we've been able to watch grow up. It is a blessing to be able to serve in the places that we've been in. I am grateful for each one and each person we've met along the way.

1. Probably the number one thing of this past 10 years is the birth of our three children. Peyton, 2000; Presley, 2003; Pruitt, 2005. I am blessed and pray I never take that for granted. My lifelong dream was to be a wife and mother, and I am so thankful that God has graciously answered that prayer. Each one of our children have a story of their own. Peyton, our little man- I can't believe he is 10 years old. He gave his heart to Jesus this year. What a praise! Presley, our sweet girl- to know her is to love her! She has such a big heart, and constantly makes us laugh. I can't wait to see how God uses her. Our baby Pruitt- his story is another whole list in itself. The things God did and continues to do thru him amazes me. I look forward to see how God will work in all three over the years to come.

"I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

Psalms 16:2

Where is the Hope?

Hope. It's been a word that has become more special to me over the past 5 years. It began when I found it in Lamentations 3:21- "This I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE." Then again in Romans 15:13, a verse that God gave Jason's mom- "May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace....."

Since then, I usually get Jason's mom something for Christmas with hope written on it, and she does for me as well.

I'm learning that even though we have that hope, we must do what is says in Lamentations: call to mind, remember, set our minds to it. It's like having electricity but not flipping the switch. We know it's there, but we must turn it on.

Over the past few days, many situations, personally and that of others, have come to mind. Where is the hope in these things?

-A little empty stocking hanging with the rest, that won't be filled.

-A family whose loved one was killed in war, will gather without him this year.

- A mother who lost her son this year, and his birthday was Christmas day.

- A broken crib that lay on the side of the road, never to be used again.

- A couple who both lost their fathers this past year.

- A mother whose divorce was final now has to split the holiday time with her ex.

- A young bride wanting a child of her own, who masks the tears with a smile when she faces others with babies

-A family whose baby is buried six feet away from Pruitt, who will face the one year anniversary of his birth/death this next week

I'm sure the list could go on and on. "It's a sharp knife of a short life" as one song says. All seem like hopeless situations and they are, if we focus on the circumstance itself. It's very easy to do, especially when it feels like that "sharp knife" just twists deeper in your heart. Sometimes just when you think the knife is gone, something happens and you feel the pain all over again. For some reason, it seems easier to focus on the storm than the one who calms the storm. I don't really know why that is but I have found that I probably do the former more than the latter. I find myself comparing my situation to that of others and still asking, "Why me?" It is in those times that I must "call to mind" the grace of God and "therefore have HOPE."

Sometimes I feel as though I look at these things as those who have no hope, but I'm reminded of the verse that says we do not grieve as those who have no HOPE. We have hope in seeing them again one day because of the resurrection of our Lord Jesus. It is not the word hope we use when we say, "Oh, I hope it doesn't rain today." Or "I hope my team wins the game." Rather, it is HOPE that we are sure of, the Hope of glory.

So, as I look around my house, I find the word HOPE in almost every room. I wear it, I see it, I will claim it. "Yet this I call to mind, and therefore have HOPE; The Lord's love never ends; his mercies never stop. They are new every morning; Lord your loyalty is great. I say to myself, "The Lord is mine, so I HOPE in him. The Lord is good to those who HOPE in him to those who seek him." Lamentations 3:19-25.

It's been awhile.......

Well, it's been almost 2 months! Let's just say I've been a little bit busy.

We're on a new Bible study about Jonah and divine interruptions that God allows in our lives. For Jonah, the interruption came with the call to go; as we know, Jonah disobeyed the divine, and we see where that got him!

I've been considering my own divine interruptions thru this study. I can't help but always go back to our time with Pruitt. I don't consider him an interruption, but our life's course was definitely altered.

Some points in the study have been: 1."God sometimes calls us to where we don't want to go." 2."What we know about Jonah only comes after the interruption." 3."How many things hinge on us surrendering?" There were definitely times when I did not want to go or do the things God was/is asking me to do. Sometimes it seems much easier to run. It is hard to want to compare yourself to Jonah in that way, though. We always think of the fish as his punishment, but it was brought out in the study that it was really God's way of protecting him and offering him another chance to join God in His purpose for Jonah. I can see how God has done that and still does that for me. What hinges on me surrendering? I think we would be astounded sometimes if we knew what God could and wanted to accomplish out of our divine interruption. I say that I'm still waiting to see "all things work together for good" but when I'm not fully surrendered, then maybe I am not able to see it.

That brings me to today's lesson, and it is the sustaining grace of God that helps us through those overwhelming interruptions. It was that grace that allowed Jonah to take those steps toward Ninevah, and it is the same grace that I can choose to walk in. Once he had made up his mind to go, God was faithful to walk with him.

2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you.." It is ENOUGH.

I was asked about Pruitt today, the first time in quite a while. I really didn't even know that the one asking knew anything about him. But as I shared his story, I was reminded of how God's grace is written all over it. I am thankful for that sustaining grace!

As if God were confirming that He still knows, He still cares, He's still there, still misting me with grace.........as I pulled in the driveway this afternoon, after sharing Pruitt's story, "Held" came on the radio. That's just like our God- isn't He good?

Being Held,

Jenn

The Ride

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I've already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat.

-C.S. Lewis

I wish I had written that, but what a beautiful picture of grief. I found that quote in a book I read this summer called "I Will Carry You." It is by Angie Smith, the wife of the lead singer from Selah.

It seems this year has been the winding road mentioned above. I knew that this was a roller coaster I had no choice to get on a little over 5 years ago, but I've never had to ride one this long. I've been on many coasters, but they all have a get on/get off place. I'm realizing that this one doesn't end. It takes me on a journey that will continue until my days here are over. As C.S. Lewis writes, just when I think I had seen that countryside already, and passed that part of the ride, there it is again. That is the dance I do. And that is grief. Just when I feel like I'm doing good, something takes me back to where I had already been. Here lately, its been several recurrences in a row.

Just yesterday, Pruitt got an invitation in the mail from St. John's Hospital where he lived the first 26 days of his life. It was to all the children who'd ever been there, inviting them to come back for a reunion with their families. I know God's grace is sufficient, because if that had come on this "ride" a week or so ago, I probably would have been a mess yesterday! Yes, it made me sad somewhat. Then I got mad, thinking the hospital should have kept track of the babies that didn't live. But, at the same time, I really was happy for those families and those babies I remembered seeing lying next to him.

I am also at a season of life where I am having to accept and adjust to some things. On this journey, I'm having to learn new steps along the way to a new song and dance that I really didn't want to choose right now. Seasons end, making way for something new, like it or not. The difference is, like Lewis said, is that although most of life's season's sequence is the same, grief's is not. It may feel like a merry-go-round sometimes, but on it, the same scenery comes again all too soon. The trip is dizzily redundant. The pain comes around again all too fast. That is not how my days are anymore. It is that never-ending rollercoaster, on which I may ride for miles before I see a familiar view that takes me back to where I once was. To the sadness, the pain, the memory. And I think that is how it will be.

Our pastor preached this morning on grief. "How ironic" I thought. What I took from it was this: 1) The deeper the wound, the longer it takes to heal. 2) Everybody heals at their own pace. 3) No one REALLY knows how you feel. 4) Don't say stupid things to someone else in their time of grief. 5) Move on, but move toward God in the process.

I'm learning to move toward the next season on this journey. I'll say it over and over again. It is a long process that no one understands unless they've been there. But, the Lord is gracious each step of the way. And even when it seems like I'm the only one on the coaster, I know He is there, He remembers, and He will wipe the tears from my eyes.

What I Deserve

Ok, first I have to say how excited I am that I finally figured out how to post a picture on here!! Yeah, me! I'm sure I'm doing it the more difficult way, but oh well!

Yesterday, I completely enjoyed my Labor Day, celebrating by doing absolutely NO labor at all! The kids were gone, I had cleaned the day before, papers were graded, so I didn't feel too guilty. I usually think I have to be doing something on my day off, but this time, I was worthless! I guess I felt I "deserved" a break......so playing into that, I tried to convince Jason I deserved some ice-cream, and I deserved a nap!!

I must say, I have a wonderful husband. My mama told me recently that "he would give me the world if he could." Often, people will comment on something I'm wearing, and I have to say, "My husband picked it out." And more often than not, he has!

When he and the kids came home today, he had been shopping for me.

4 outfits

2 pair of shorts

1 skirt

2 sweaters

1 pair of shoes

3 bottles of lotion/bath gel

and the new Ted Dekker book!!

Now, maybe yesterday, I MIGHT have "deserved" a little time off, but today, I really don't know that I deserved all those gifts!

As I've been doing my Bible study this week, I am learning how truly undeserving I am. As I take a spiritual inventory, there is absolutely nothing in me that deserves any of the blessings God has offered, much less salvation. Angela Thomas, author of the study, says that "we live in such a dark society that I think we've come to accept our society's darkness as an unavoidable part of our own."

One of my all-time favorite authors is Ted Dekker. Most of his books deal with the battle of good and evil, and so often I see myself in one of his characters, just how sinful I really am. Yet he also shows the lavishing love of the Father in his books as well. Ephesians 2 speaks of this lavishing love: "You let the world tell you how to live......You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience.....It's a wonder God didn't lose His temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us." (Message)

It goes on and on.........

Today's "prizes" from Jason were so unexpected, (except the Dekker book! I did ask for that one!), but I know without a doubt he loves me and that is one way he shows it.

Often the Father gives us unexpected gifts, all because of He loves us. One song says it best, "If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.........Oh, how He loves us....."

Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and grace.

Ride or push?

I was very thankful when the riding lawn mower cranked today. It hasn't worked very well, but after mowing most of the summer with the push mower, the riding mower is a life saver! As I was finishing up, I got to thinking about what a difference it makes-pushing or riding. Riding along while the mower does all the work is a breeze. All I have to do is dodge a few limbs here and there and steer, which is really not work at all. As I compared it to push mowing, I found myself relating it to our walk sometimes with the Lord. It is easy to sit on the pew, take in a sermon, turn on KLove, maybe read some devotion and ride along on the message someone else has from the Lord. They do all the work, and we just coast by, taking in the scenery.

Push mowing is hard work, especially as hot as it and and as big as the yard is! The push mower can get around the poles, ditches and flower beds much better than the riding mower. That really convicted me when I saw that I need to not only hear the sermon, the devotion, etc, but then get in there and do the harder thing by digging in deep myself. I need to see what the Lord is telling me, not just hearing it maybe 3 times a week at church, but everyday.

I have to be honest here; it is so much easier to ride by and even though there are many times where God has used a devotion, a pastor, a song, to speak to me, I still need that one on one time with Him and that has always been a struggle for me.

In fact, just this past week, I came in to school having had a bad morning and told someone if they have a good devotion, to send it my way because I needed it that day. If only I had gotten up a little earlier to open the word on my own, maybe God would have had just the words to say to me that day. Instead I relied on someone else, and that is not how He always needs to speak to us.

I wasn't too hot, really, when I was riding the lawn mower; but when I got off and started pushing and actually having to apply myself and use my own energy to get the job done, boy did I work up a thirst!! Water had never tasted so good!

I think it is the same with Him- when we really start seeking Him and spending that time with Him, it makes us thirsty for more of Him.

I hope I find myself pushing more in my walk and learning from the ride when the other mower cranks as well.

"Son"flowers

On the way to school today, I passed by the Farmer's Market, and saw a bright, bouquet of sunflowers. If I had not been running behind, I would have stopped by and bought some. (Although, I paid a whopping $7 for a watermelon for Presley this summer at a fruit stand, so flowers might run a little higher!)

I couldn't help but think of Pruitt as I passed by. Here is why: two nights before he passed away, I was sitting in the rocking chair by his crib, around midnight, and the Lord gave me a poem. I have said that I love to write but really feel that I have to be "inspired." Well, I was. The words flowed, and it was almost like I couldn't get them down fast enough. I had been thinking of nursery rhymes, and the Itsy Bitsy Spider was on my mind. I had heard of a book called Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields and her battle with post-pardum depression. I guess that was still in my mind......So anyway, I wrote the following poem. I know for sure that it was from the Lord, and I think even though it was true then, it means more to me now.

Out Came the Son

There is a little nursery rhyme, we all know very well, about a tiny spider, his story we can tell. But this is our story, one of joy and pain, and how, just like the spider, we'll go up the spout again. See, for so long the rain poured and mixed in with the tears,

The storm raged all around us, bringing questions, doubts and fears. Yet even in the midst of night, when the clouds turned gray, the Son's light fell on us- His mercies were new each day. He gave us hope, He gave us peace. We were strengthened in our faith. How we made it through the trials was only by His grace. At times we thought the rain wouldn't end, then glimpse we'd get, of a ray of "Son"shine to remind us He wasn't done yet. The flowers grew because of the rain, the grass grew green and tall. Miracles came that some had said would never come at all. Through the storm we learned some things to get us through each day, and just in time, out came the Son, and dried our tears away. So when you sing a little rhyme of a spider and a spout, remember that though the rain may fall, the Son always comes back out.

I had checked on Pruitt at 5am that Sunday morning, August 21, and when I went back in at 7 he had gone to be with Jesus. I like to think that just maybe it was around sun-up, when the Son came to take him home. That would just seem like something the Lord would do.

Jason's aunt had sent us journals to write in during those days after Pruitt was born. On the cover of one of them was this verse: "He is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth." 2 Samuel 23:4

We took sunflowers to the cemetery on Pruitt's birthday, and like I said before, I like to think of them as "Sonflowers." Maybe I'll stop and buy some tomorrow.

Laci

There's so much to our Pruitt story, and I'd like to put it all on here. However, this post will be out of order of things. Five years ago tonight, around 10 o'clock, to be exact, we were getting settled in a hospital room off of the NICU. We were told we had to feel comfortable enough with all the tubes, oxygen and feedings in order to bring Pruitt home. We got in our room and were getting settled before they brought Pruitt in to us, when a nurse came in with a peculiar look on her face. At first I thought something was wrong, and she began to speak. She asked did we know that there had been another baby born in the recent months with the same condition as Pruitt. We did. She asked did we know that he had passed away. We did, only because the hospice worker on that case went to our church and had told us. The she asked us, did we know that he had been in the same "pod," in the same bed space as Pruitt was. We did not know this. I got an eerie feeling when she said that, and then she added, "That baby's mother is here and was wanting to meet you." I was blown away, wondering why in the world she would be there at 10:00pm on a Sunday night. We agreed to the meeting and I sat down waiting for the encounter. A few minutes later, in walked a beautiful blonde girl who I immediately felt a connection with. We sat and talked for at least an hour. As we talked, I found out that she was a nurse tech on a completely different floor. She had not been back to work since her baby, Dalton, had passed away about a month earlier. That night, they needed someone to float up to the NICU and asked her, knowing how difficult that would be. As she approached the "pod" that Dalton had been in and at that very moment, Pruitt was in, she later told me that the nurses tried to keep her away, because of the situations being the same. They knew how hard that would be for her. She insisted on meeting Pruitt, and they then told her we were there.

The next day, I recall telling the events of the night to Jason's mom and how surreal they were. I know Laci felt a need to be able to help us, for she had already walked the road that we were walking; however, I too came away with a feeling of wanting to help her as well.

A friendship formed that night because of a divine appointment that the Lord set up. I believe that with all my heart. It's one thing to be able to say to someone you know how they feel, but she and I really know how the other feels. We saw the exact same doctors! We walked the same path, for the most part. I know God puts people in our lives just when we need them, and I know He did that for me and Laci.

Yardwork

If you know very much about me, you will know that I mow our yard a good bit. I grew up having to share that job with my brothers, so I don't mind it too much. It's good exercise! I do keep hoping the riding mower we have will get fixed, though!

Although I carry on the chore from childhood, I did not inherit my mother's knack for gardening or flowers. I can hardly keep any alive! Needless to say, as long as I get the yard mowed, that's about all I can do. I would never win Yard of the Year because of my flower beds. I was mowing yesterday and noticed two things.

First, after my wonderful husband came in and took over finishing the yard, I decided to see what I could do to the front beds. Having not really taken care of them over the summer, they were pretty bad. So, I got on hands and knees and began to pull.I was grabbing and clawing with both hands, pulling everything away I could with all my might.

It then occurred to me if only we did the same with our sins.

If only we could realize what the bed of our heart looks like sometimes. If only we would tear away with such fierceness the roots of bitterness, anger, jealousy, lust, gossip, envy, and pride, not to mention the "big" ones deeply planted among them.

If you have this weeding picture in mind now, you might imagine that it's a messy job. My fingernails were black; once I even grabbed a vine of briars. Not fun. A stick stabbed me in the hand and my legs hurt from trying not to just sit on the ground. My thumb hurt where I had burned it earlier that day. I even got a whiff of a gift left by a roaming dog. Weeding is a hard, messy job. But, the more I pulled, the more I wanted to pull. I wanted it to look better.

It was getting darker, and I realized something else. In order to really do the job right, I needed light. Who knows what I may have pulled up if I'd kept going in the dark. I was also afraid I might grab a critter of some sort! We also can't weed out the bad in our lives without the LIGHT. His light shines on us and shows us what needs to be removed. He is the true Gardener.

One other thing, not related to weeding so much, that I noticed yesterday, was a cluster of green in the back flower beds. They too have many weeds in them, and lots of rocks! So, I've pretty much let it go as well! But I noticed two groups of something growing. I am pretty sure it is flowers, but I don't remember planting them! What a surprise it will be to see what they look like when they bloom. After a conversation with Jason last night, the Lord confirmed what I had been thinking. We have a job to plant seeds in the soil of others' lives. Often it seems there is no fruit coming from our hard labor. Then, someday the flower will bloom from the seed that we don't even remember planting. I really do pray I am planting the right seeds in the lives of our youth, my students and my children. I pray that I and others will water that seed along the way, and that God will bloom it in His time. And in the waiting, His grace will cover them. I also pray in my own life and theirs, that He will weed out those things that don't belong so that we are a beautiful garden in His eyes. Then, we can be a fragrant witness of His beauty and grace.

Penny for your thoughts

A penny for your thoughts, they say. You're especially on my mind today

As I remember the day you came, my treasure can't be taken away.

I hold you dear, so close to my heart, just as I did from the start.

I am held by the One Who holds, you my son, so we're never really apart.

From the moment we knew that we would dress you in blue

Until the time came that He called out your name, His Word remained true.

A penny for your thoughts, they say. Many a debt I could pay

With all the times you've been on my mind, never far away.

Yet how rich am I to have held and known such a gift from God alone.

Even though, too soon we thought, He had to take you back home.

You left your mark, right on our hearts, when we first saw your face.

Somehow all along, your little lifesong, will sing of His goodness and grace.

I really can't believe that it's been 5 years. We took sunflowers today to the cemetery but I'd like to think of them as "Sonflowers." It is because of the Son that I have any hope at all, and because of Him that I am even able to get up in the mornings.

I seem to do better on Pruitt's birthday than on his going home day. These in-between days are the harder ones. I guess that's normal. But today, I thank the Lord for the blessing He gave us 5 years ago. That in itself is all a story to tell, for the Lord has done great things for us. What a testimony his little life has!

"...everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." Isaiah 43:7

Happy Birthday, Baby Pruitt

Being Held

Hold- to bear, sustain or support as with the hands or arms, or by any other means

Sustain- to keep (a person) from giving way, as under a trial or affliction

When I thought about what to write for my first "real" blog, I thought I should explain the name of the blog. Megan got me started and actually got this from looking at my facebook info page. It couldn't be more appropriate. During the short months after we found out about Pruitt, the song "Held" came out on the radio. I heard it one day while I was still pregnant and could not believe the words I was hearing. It is very hard to put into words at a time like that, what you are feeling. We didn't even know the extent of everything at the time, but after he went to be with the Lord, the song seemed to say so much of what I felt.

"This is what it is to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your lives and you survive."

We played the song at both funeral services. I don't really even think I understood what those words really meant, even then. But I felt the Lord holding us.

The definition above tells you what takes place when He does that, and scripture testifies to it as well. Another line in the song says, "This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows."

I truly believe that God sustained us, and kept us from giving way to the bitterness and hatred. Oh, yes, I tasted of it on days and many days wanted to drink from its fountains. Unless you've been there, you don't know the spiritual battle that comes at a time like that. It was so real and the depression is ironically, and deceptively so comforting. I could drown my sorrows in it. Even on those days, God held me and kept me from drowning it it. It is only by His grace that we are where we are today. I will be the first to tell you I am not "there" yet and healing is still taking place, but it is only because of His mercies that have been new and His grace that has brought us thus far.

"If hope is born of suffering.........can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?"

Even on the most normal days still, I hear the Lord saying, "This is what it is, Jennifer, to be held by Me. I held you thru pregnancy, the delivery, the waiting, the funeral, the holidays, anniversaries, vacations, moves, jobs, and everyday in between and I will hold you every day to come. I've been holding you all along."

Being Held,

Jennifer

New to me!

Well, this blog thing is very new to me, considering I'm not very savy when it comes to computers! Thanks to Megan Johnson for setting me up. I have to say, I love to write but only seem to get inspired every now and then. Maybe it will hit me more since I have this!

If not, I'll post some earlier writings or something!!