The Ride

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I've already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat.

-C.S. Lewis

I wish I had written that, but what a beautiful picture of grief. I found that quote in a book I read this summer called "I Will Carry You." It is by Angie Smith, the wife of the lead singer from Selah.

It seems this year has been the winding road mentioned above. I knew that this was a roller coaster I had no choice to get on a little over 5 years ago, but I've never had to ride one this long. I've been on many coasters, but they all have a get on/get off place. I'm realizing that this one doesn't end. It takes me on a journey that will continue until my days here are over. As C.S. Lewis writes, just when I think I had seen that countryside already, and passed that part of the ride, there it is again. That is the dance I do. And that is grief. Just when I feel like I'm doing good, something takes me back to where I had already been. Here lately, its been several recurrences in a row.

Just yesterday, Pruitt got an invitation in the mail from St. John's Hospital where he lived the first 26 days of his life. It was to all the children who'd ever been there, inviting them to come back for a reunion with their families. I know God's grace is sufficient, because if that had come on this "ride" a week or so ago, I probably would have been a mess yesterday! Yes, it made me sad somewhat. Then I got mad, thinking the hospital should have kept track of the babies that didn't live. But, at the same time, I really was happy for those families and those babies I remembered seeing lying next to him.

I am also at a season of life where I am having to accept and adjust to some things. On this journey, I'm having to learn new steps along the way to a new song and dance that I really didn't want to choose right now. Seasons end, making way for something new, like it or not. The difference is, like Lewis said, is that although most of life's season's sequence is the same, grief's is not. It may feel like a merry-go-round sometimes, but on it, the same scenery comes again all too soon. The trip is dizzily redundant. The pain comes around again all too fast. That is not how my days are anymore. It is that never-ending rollercoaster, on which I may ride for miles before I see a familiar view that takes me back to where I once was. To the sadness, the pain, the memory. And I think that is how it will be.

Our pastor preached this morning on grief. "How ironic" I thought. What I took from it was this: 1) The deeper the wound, the longer it takes to heal. 2) Everybody heals at their own pace. 3) No one REALLY knows how you feel. 4) Don't say stupid things to someone else in their time of grief. 5) Move on, but move toward God in the process.

I'm learning to move toward the next season on this journey. I'll say it over and over again. It is a long process that no one understands unless they've been there. But, the Lord is gracious each step of the way. And even when it seems like I'm the only one on the coaster, I know He is there, He remembers, and He will wipe the tears from my eyes.