April 1- Fifteen Years Later

A long time ago, April first was a celebrated day in our family- well, at least through spoken celebrations. It is my Nanny's birthday. Growing up in my home, birthdays were not much different than any other day. We might send cards or pick some flowers out of the yard, possibly. But other than that, we didn't celebrate birthdays. I know I had a 5 year old birthday party- not because I remember, but because I've seen the pictures of myself posed with my Raggedy Ann cake, surrounded by my brother and cousins. I do recall the surprise birthday party I had when I was 15, attended by a friend and boyfriend, and probably my little brother. Other than that, birthdays weren't a big deal, but they were dates embedded in my head of those closest to me.

Fast forward- or rewind rather- to 15 years ago, when another April Fool's Day came around. On that day, I found myself pregnant for the third time and sitting in a doctor's office, waiting ultrasound results- results that would bring me to my knees and change our world forever. 

"I remember it all- oh how well I remember, the feeling of hitting the bottom.........."

That day, in that small doctor's office, I sat as he told me our child would most likely be stillborn or would not live long after birth. And he was right. After carrying our son Pruitt for 37 weeks, he was born (a beautiful baby) in July of that summer, and lived 33 days before leaving us right around sunrise on a Sunday morning in August.

I've written of this before......so I understand if you have tired of hearing my story. 

But every April fools day that rolls around, my mind and heart takes me back to that room, to that day- the day my world fell apart. It was a day that felt like a dream- surreal- that this could not be happening to me, to us and our little family. But it did.

"But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope..."

Hope. If you come in our house, you will see that word in several places. God's grace and a whole lot of Hope. It was what got me through, and what still gets me through days like today. 

But I write this today for you. Perhaps your world has fallen apart today. I know somewhere, somewhere probably pretty close by, someone's has. My own family is experiencing this as my aunt's family has lost a loved one due to the virus. 

I have gotten off of Facebook for a few days because it was too much for me. I told a friend, although I've been here before- in the unknown, all the reports and news was getting to me, and it doesn't take much to allow my mind to wander, and before I know it, it is filled with worry. It became an anxiety pandemic of my thoughts. 

I had to be reminded of Truth. 

In those days 15 years ago, there was so much unknown. We really had no idea how things were going to turn out. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. But what DO we know?

God's loyal love could't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great is your faithfulness!

Yes. This we know!! This is what we have to hold on to in the middle of the crisis, the storm, the loss, the pandemic, the unknown.

I wrote this in my journal 15 years ago- a quote by FB Myer. "Has He not thus brought you into difficulties that He may have an opportunity of strengthening your faith, by giving some unexplained proof of His power? Wait only on the Lord, trust also in Him, He will provide."

He will provide. EVERYTHING we need. Comfort, peace, provision, strength, grace, mercies new every morning. 

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. 

Lamentations 3:19-24