To That Child.......

To that child.....

The one that is full of energy and enthusiasm. I wish I could bottle it up and sell it- we would be rich together. Your zest and zeal for life knows no end. I'm sure when you fall asleep at night your body quietly says, "thank you." Your mama probably does too. Yes, it sometimes is exhausting. But when I catch the spark in your eye, and the smile on your face, I can't help but smile back and think of how you might change the world with that fervor. 
I envy you.

To that child....
That one that never talks. Sometimes I wonder why? Is it because you are simply shy? Reserved? A wallflower? A rule-follower, afraid of getting in trouble? Or is you mind so full of anxieties, lost in a world of its own? Maybe there's so much you have seen, yet you are too afraid to voice it, for you know then it becomes even more truth over your life. 
I wish you would talk to me, tell me all the reasons why. 
I am a great listener.

To that child....
The attention seeker. You are demanding of my every minute. You long to be seen, and will do whatever it takes for my eyes to be on you. If you had it your way, you'd probably be okay to be the only one in my class. You might be the star of your family, the entertainer, the show-stopper. Others like you may defy every "rule" in place, simply because you want to be noticed. Because maybe that's the only way you are noticed at home. It took me a long time to understand you, and even still, I don't. Why would you act out, knowing there are consequences? Yet, I've found myself in that same place before. Longing for attention, from someone that I can trust, who loves me. I relate to you.
You, too are a star. Shine bright!

To that child...
The one with baggage, too much baggage in your six years. I never know how you may respond to things. Sometimes you cry, sometimes you put up a wall. Sometimes you tell me about all that stuff you carry around, a burden that you don't even realize is heavy yet. Your tears may fall as I tell you I love you. Or you may just look at me, not sure if you can really believe me, for love looks strange to you- and others have failed you, those you thought loved you. Your world is unstable. You may not know where your next meal will come from. You may fall asleep in class because of what went on the night before. Or you may tell me you love me too, because you long for someone to be able to say that to, and know it's reciprocal. You don't have to carry those bags by yourself. 
I ache for you.

To that child...
The defiant one. I have wondered what happened? What took place that brought on so much anger inside you already? How have you felt wronged so much in your short life that you are ready to take on the world with fists flying? I try to see past the rage and resentment to a place deep inside you, a place crying out for help. You don't even know that you need help, but with me in your corner, maybe we can break through-bring you to a place where you can allow that same fight in you to be used for good. Then you really can take on the world. 
I have hope for you.

To that child...
The one with insecurities. You double check. You feel like you have to compete. You struggle. You think you can't succeed. You compare yourself to others, and fail to see the strength inside. Instead, you listen to the voices of the enemy spoken through other's tongues. You feel you have no purpose.
You hear Failure. Ugly. Poor. Inadequate. Dumb. I say you are Successful. Beautiful. Rich. Enough. A Genius. There is a plan for your life. Don't listen to the lies.
I have been you.

To all of you-
If I were being honest, you are what makes me want to quit some days. And yet, you are the very thing that won't let me. You are what keep me coming back. Not Math. Not Reading. Not the paycheck. Not summer break (although, I do like that part.)

Every year, the struggle is real over whether or not I'll be back the next August. 
Even tonight, I wonder this. How much longer can I do this? It is EXHAUSTING. I don't know how to be all things to all these little ones. 
But, I try. Sometimes I succeed, and many days I fail.


We will struggle together. We will fight together. We will be quiet together. I'll carry your burdens in my heart. We will strive to be stars- to shine brightly. And on days when the serpent of insecurity rears its ugly head in my own life, I'll remember that it's just a lie. I'll remember that I have a purpose. A purpose to point you to the True Star, the One that loves you, baggage and all, the One who knows the thoughts of your heart that you never voice; the One that has already taken on the world for you and won; The One that will dry all your tears, and is a Father to the fatherless. 

So, for this chapter, this year in your life called "First Grade," and this season in my life, you are my purpose.
You are why I'll be there tomorrow.

Welcome 2015

I wish I could say I had some great epiphany that inspired today's blog. 
I didn't. No revelation. Just reflection.
Reflection as we end one year and begin another.
As a teacher, my "New Year's Eve" really feels like the  night before the first day of school- more of an August to August calendar. 
Even so, I still enjoy looking back, counting down, reminiscing over the past 365 days. I've never been one to really make resolutions. I never can keep them anyway.
So what is the point of this blog? Well, even as I type, I still don't know. 

But I do know this: I want to be different.

Yes, 2014 was a good year. Things I never imagined happened this past year, with the publishing of my book and being able to share Pruitt's story with so many. I pray that was only the beginning.

But there have also been hard moments of the past year. Big and little.
The loss of Jason's precious grandmother. 
Decisions. Disputes. Doctor appointments. Daily life.

It's the daily life that I want to be different. 
As I look back over the year, I ask myself what needs to change and why? Why am I unhappy in my job? Why do certain things bother me? Why is there a pang of discontentment hovering over me? How can I parent better? How can I be a better wife?

My considerations brought me to Galatians 5. 
16-18" My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don’t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?"

There it is: self-interest. Isn't that the main root in us all? Selfishness. Even as far back as in the garden, it was Adam and Eve's selfish desires that brought about their sin. But here, it says so plainly, we cannot live based on how we "feel" one day or the next. Boy, do I try though. And it never works out very well!

The selfishness gets us nowhere. Nothing on this list is appealing in the long run:
19-21 "It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on."

Some things that stand out are "mental and emotional garbage, trinket gods, never satisfied, divided homes." Paul could go on and so could I.
Yet, these are the things that war against us day after day.

So what is the answer?

22-23 "But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

This might sound more familiar: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Are you singing the song now?

It's often intrigued me that God starts that list with "love." But in light of 1 Corinthians 13, it shouldn't come as a surprise. The greatest of these is love.
Oh, and it's also the second greatest command, just after loving God first with all of ourselves.

This is what I want. And it begins with love.
Not some kind of hippie-peace-love makes the world go 'round love. That love is temporary, based on feelings.

But the love of Christ. Eternal love. That love should overflow out of me, and to others. When it doesn't, it's because I'm being selfish.
Colossians 3 speaks of this also:
So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective.

Resurrection life= Daily life.
It's a struggle. It's "insanity" as Ted Dekker would say. 

It's a race. 

I want to run it well. One day at a time, mercies new every morning. 
I'm so thankful for His faithfulness, because I've given Him plenty of reasons to leave me. But He never has, and He never will. 

Welcome 2015.