Isaiah 9:6- Christmas Hope

As we come upon the celebrations of Christmas over the next few days, my heart is heavy for so many friends and loved ones-some I know well, some just I've heard of. It seems there has been much heartache this year, much of it recent. As I thought of these, I was reminded of something I wrote in a Christmas card we sent that first Christmas after Pruitt died. He's on my mind often, but especially at this time of the year, and as I continue to write on my book.

So, in thinking of these things, I'd like to share what God said to me from the verses in Isaiah, and pray that He will be all those things to so many who are hurting- whether its because they are having the first Christmas without their loved one, they are struggling with an illness, maybe their husband is serving our country overseas, maybe a dream has been shattered or still unmet, or maybe they just feel lonely. May the God of hope be so very present in their midst.

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the goverment will be on his shoulders. And he will be called WONDERFUL COUNSELOR, MIGHTY GOD, EVERLASTING FATHER, PRINCE OF PEACE." Isaiah 9:6

As we come to this time of year, we hear this verse often. For those mentioned and as a reminder to myself, I pray that God would be a COUNSELOR to us when words aren't there from others. I pray He'd be our PEACE when we have questions and decisions to make. I pray we'd know that He is a MIGHTY GOD, even when we don't understand and question "why?" Most of all, I pray we'd know that He is our EVERLASTING FATHER, and because of that, we have the hope of heaven.

May you and yours have a blessed Merry CHRISTmas!!

Writer's Block

It's been a crazy few weeks, and as I looked back over blogs, it must have been a crazy few months, since I haven't blogged since October.

One of the things I was SO looking forward to over Christmas break, was getting back to my writing. I've just read a message from a published author, and the process that she gives to get started seems depressing, as she stated herself.

As I read, I felt more and more discouraged.

No, I don't have writer's block. I know exactly what I want to say, and how. But now I feel this book dream has been "blocked" some how. Is it an unrealistic dream?

The lady's message also said I need to have a platform- a specific audience for my book. My audience would be anyone who knows of loss- more specifically, the loss of a child. A loss brings about so many different feelings, some that one may not even realize until experiencing it. My goal in writing is not only to share our story, but to bring glory to the Lord for His work in the midst of suffering. Not only that, but His work in my life through this time.

In this book, I relate the process of grief to "games," as I try to figure out how to live life after such a loss. I think anyone with any kind of loss can relate somehow- because loss is loss, no matter what kind.

I just want to use our experience for the glory of God, whether that means speaking about it, writing about it, or just trying to live everyday in the freedom of Christ. In doing so, I want to make much of Him.

So, on that note, I think I'll get back to that book. I think I'm chapter 8- one of the hardest chapters yet.

Like a pencil with no lead..........

Like a pencil with no lead, these are the days of our lives.............

No, if you are a fan of that soap, you know that's not how it goes.

A year or so ago, maybe two, I found myself constantly sharpening pencils at school for my kids. I had the hand crank sharpener, which didn't work too well with alot of pencils. It seemed like it would just eat them up! (That, or either the kids were eating them! It happens!)

One day I kept turning and turning, not getting anywhere with this pencil. I'd look at the tip and still nothing. I was really getting frustrated with these "cheap" pencils, when I looked a little closer. I soon realized that it wasn't so much the sharpener's problem as it was the pencil's. What appeared to be a nice, new yellow #2 with brand new eraser (not eaten), was just that; but it was completely hollow inside. On the outside, it seemed to be as it was supposed to be, but empty on the inside. It happened more that once!

Immediately, the Lord spoke to me and I heard Him say that I am are like that some days. I may appear to be all dressed up, hair done, even matching my outfit to my earrings, bracelet and necklace- (which if you know me, you know that doesn't happen often!)- but inside, I am just empty- hollow- and not being used for the purpose I was supposed to be. My purpose is to know Him and make Him known to others, but if I'm not allowing Him to fill me up with His Spirit daily, then I'm just as useless as that piece of pretty painted wood.

Sure, it was stamped with the brand and #2, but was worthless. It could not fully serve its purpose and so, I threw it in the trash.

By the way, I've since gotten an electric sharpener, which is so much better- but even the best one still does nothing for the holder of hollowed out places.

I realize more and more how much I need that filling daily, hourly, minutely sometimes! I want God to fulfill His purpose in and through me by using my life to write on the lives of others and be a scribe of praise to His name!

Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."

Games

It's the year of same days.....and now it feels like the same days are over-almost. I do recall 6 years ago, being 'home" after Pruitt's funeral, watching the news of hurricane Katrina. Now, the anniversary days are over for another year.

We had a very special privilege to speak at Longview on the anniversary of Pruitt's death. At the time we were asked, Jason's dad didn't realize it would fall on that same day. He gave us the opportunity to change the date, but we didn't. I'm glad. It was such an awesome opportunity to bless the Lord on such a day. All I can say is that His grace and peace was all over me and Jason. There is no way I could have gotten thru it without Him. I'll share here a few words from my part, although I have so much I can add to it- I may even write a book!

I related our story to children's games. ( I love analogies!! ) On the board game CANDYLAND, there are 3 out of 131 spaces that you would not want to land on. Well, in the "game" of LIFE, everybody usually lands on at least 1. That was the case for us, on April 1, 2005. Like JENGA, our world fell apart that day, learning that our baby would have a condition "not compatible with life." I remember specifically calling my best friend Wyndi, telling her I didn't know how I would do this, carry him knowing he would not live. It was then the game of SCRABBLE; I was given the letters OWH. I had spelled "HOW" but should have spelled "WHO." It would be the Who that would get us through. Then came 20 QUESTIONS. We had so many questions and not alot of answers. Next was a game of CHESS because we were trying to see three moves ahead in trying to make decisions. Then came a constant game of CHUTES AND LADDERS, after Pruitt was born.....so many ups and downs. After Pruitt died, I was constantly in a battle of TUG OF WAR with the enemy- this game went on for a while. Add to that MOTHER MAY I. Remember if you say "Mother, may I" you get to move ahead. If not, you have to go back to the start. I felt like I was constantly going 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. That one has gone on for several years.

This summer, I felt like I was playing FREEZE TAG. I'd been frozen on the inside for the past 6 years; frozen by bitterness and resentment. These verses hit me sometime in July, that "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.......If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed!" And, almost just like that, He tagged me, and "unfroze" me.

This "game," which is so NOT a game, is like MONOPOLY. If you've ever played it, it seems like it will last forever. This too will be a part of me forever.........but I'm glad. I can honestly say I'm thankful God picked me to be in on this game even though I would have wished for a different game plan......and like Jason said, we don't know yet exactly how it will end, but we will win and won't be SORRY.........it won't be a mystery where we don't have a CLUE.........the TROUBLE will be over...............instead there will be complete PERFECTION!!

Happy Birthday, Baby Pruitt!

Another year.......Wow. It's hard to believe it's now been 6 years. I've been singing a song all day that we sang at camp last week. "I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin. It begins like this:

"Be still, there is a Healer.......His mercy, it is unfailing.....

I lift my hands to believe again, You are my refuge, You are my strength,

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, You are faithful, God, forever."

I think it's pretty fitting for today. We sang it last week on the night Louie spoke of there being dark days in this story that God has put us in. One thing he said was "your worst day was going to be your best day." This was in context of the thief on the cross who believed Jesus was Who He said He was. Those few hours of agony would bring him to a "doorway where Christ's wounds would bring healing." He went on to say that "the cross is the concrete you stand on when the sky turns black" in our lives.

I can say that with confidence, six years out. It is because of the cross that there is any hope at all.Maybe I would have said it 1 or 2 years out- yeah, I would have. But even then, I wouldn't have known it like I do now, or even like I will as time goes on.

My favorite line of the song above is the chorus. "As I pour out my heart, these things I remember...." It reminds me of my Lamentations verses. "I remember it all, oh how well I remember, the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on HOPE. God's loyal love couldn't run out, his merciful love could't have dried up, they're created new every morning." Lam. 3:19-23

When I pour out my heart that can still sometimes be full of pain, I do remember. I remember how God was so gracious to us in so many ways, one of which is just allowing Pruitt to be born, and live with us for 33 days, when doctors had said at one time that may never happen. Yes, He is faithful forever, He is a Healer. I do lift up my hands to Him for He has been my strength. His mercies are unfailing, new everyday.

Thank You Lord, for blessing us with Pruitt!

Cat in a Cage

Growing up with outdoor pets, you'd think I wouldn't mind them so much. However, I've never been much for animals in the house. That changed somewhat a few months ago when we got a cat. Still not completely thrilled with it being in the house, we tried to get it use to being outside. That was our goal anyway, to make it an outside cat.

Last Friday, Jason noticed Shadow, (very original name, I know, for a black cat) was limping; so he took it to the vet. After X-rays, he concluded that she had a broken leg. We think she got hit by a car or either fell trying to get out of a tree! The choice then was to pay $600 for surgery, or kennel her for 6 weeks and hope that she heals on her own. NEEDLESS to say, we put her in a kennel. We need to put $600 on Peyton's teeth, not the CAT!

As I watched and listened to her lay in the "cage" crying, it got me to thinking of what cages we find ourselves in sometimes, due to hurts and broken places. A cage of bitterness, selfishness, anger, self-pity.

At times, I have found myself locked in a cage, wanting to try to just heal on my own. It's really a pitiful place, locked up with little room to move. You find yourself crying out, yet getting comfortable there because you know if you move too much, it just causes more pain. Eventually, the cage becomes a new "home," a new place of comfort. You hear all that goes on around you, and know that there are those out there that care for you, but because you have chosen to "heal on your own," there is a locked door that keeps you from their love.

The other choice we have would to be to let the Great Physician unlock the door and perform His "surgery" on us. Yes, it can be costly. It may cost us our pride, our comfortable place. It may involve Him asking us to let go of our way of doing things.

His is the only way we can truly heal. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Divine Appointments

"Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4:17

I have to confess that there have been many times when I felt the Lord pressing on me to do something, but I didn't. I walk away in those times wondering "What if........if I had just obeyed."

Tonight was one of the times I think I did listen. I don't say that to boast, not AT ALL. But I say it to tell this story, and give glory to God. I pray you see Him lifted up in it.

I went to the hospital today to see my Uncle Roger, who was injured in the tornado last week in Smithville. He was found is a muddy field last Wednesday, not long after the storm came thru. Today he was admitted to the ICU. Please continue to be in prayer for him and my family.

As I sat there, I noticed a lady sitting alone. I asked my cousin if she was with them, and she was not. As time went on, my dad asked her if she had family there. She said yes, that her father-in-law was killed in the tornado, and her mother-in-law was there in ICU. The room was silent for a few seconds when everyone heard her tell of their loss. A while later, her children and husband came in. I found out he was an only child, and was trying to make arrangements for his father's funeral, as well as clean up the debris and missing things from his parents house. When I first saw the lady sitting alone, my heart went out to her. Here we had a ROOM FULL of family and friends and she had no one, apart from 2-3 people that came and went. I then felt God softly say, "You need to go pray with her." I thought, what will my family think.....I don't know her........I don't want to intrude.......All the excuses......

My mom talked briefly to her after they had returned from seeing her mother-in-law. Her mother-in-law had many, many broken bones and cuts.

As we were about to get ready to leave, I leaned over to my daddy and said, "Can we go pray with them? I just feel like we need to." So we did. My daddy lead the prayer.

After that, I went over to pray with my own family, and daddy kept talking to this family. As I was done, my dad went to introduce this family to my Aunt Pam. As it "just so happened", this man was the man who found my uncle!! UNBELIEVABLE! He left Uncle Rod with another man, while he went on to search for his own parents, hearing his mom screaming, and then finding his own father, who never made it to the hospital. My aunt broke down crying, because she had no idea who had found her husband. She had wondered this for these past few days. My dad would have not struck up this conversation with this man had we not prayed with them, I don't think. It was just a God thing.

Another man was in the waiting area, and he was all cut up. I imagine he was a survivor of the storm. I am such an emotional person, and the sorrow in a room like that is hard to take sometimes. The reality of the storm hit home, even more so. My heart goes out to these affected by last weeks storms. It's so easy to stay in our little circles, and forget all the hurt around us. I pray when God prompts me to move, I will be obedient always.

Please pray for the Cox family, and my family, the Curry's.

Little Red Riding Hood (spoiler warning!)

I love movies. I love movies that keep you guessing until the end! This was one of those. However, my first guess of who the "BIG BAD WOLF" was ended up being correct! The writers did a good job of making you think it could have been any one of the main characters, even Granny.

After I pegged the dad to be the the wolf, the twists and turns kept bringing doubt. Maybe it was Peter, the handsome lover of Valerie. That would have been more true to life, spiritually. Satan, who seems lovely to the eye and disguises himself as an angel of light, does use his charm to try to woo us.

Or, at times it seemed to be Henry, the one Valerie had been arranged to marry.

But, in the end, it was her father. The evil one was among them the whole time, yet no one in the village suspected it. He sought revenge on his community because he felt betrayed by his wife, who's heart really belonged to another. Valerie's father wanted not to take her life, but in essence, to take her soul, making her like him. If she'd let him bite her, then she too could become like him. In the end, Peter came to her rescue, but not without consequence. He was bitten, and left her until he could learn to control the power within him.

As I was watching, I was reminded of a Ted Dekker book, Emmanuel's Veins. It's similar, but with much more of a spiritual application, only using vampires instead of werewolves.

Even so, I was reminded of the evil one that lurks around us. Sometimes he does come in the form of something that seems so beautiful and harmless. At other times, I think he is around us and we don't even realize it. Even though he cannot touch our souls, I know he is busy doing whatever he can to attack us, to distract us, to keep us from doing the opposite of what God would have us do. As Beth Moore said in a previous study, we can't choose to be in the war but we can choose if we're going to be a warrior or not.

So put on your red cloak, carrying the blood of the Lamb that now runs through our veins. You will walk thru the deep, dark woods; you will climb steep mountains. In the end, we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb. (Rev. 12:11)

"When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall." Psalms 27:2

The Date Debate

So, Presley and I were driving back from Olive Branch, listening to a little Taylor Swift. "Fifteen" came on, and she let me know she would be 15 in only 8 years (really, 7 but I'll take 8!) We weren't really debating could she date. Ryan Fontenot said once that if you were not responsible enough to keep your room clean, you weren't responsible enough to date. So, if that's the case, Presley probably won't be dating till she's 30.

Anyway, listening to Taylor got me to thinking- (I would have LOVED her if she'd been around when I was a teenager!)

The reason I would have liked her so much, is that I would have totally identified with her and most of her songs. As I was listening, I went back to when I was just fifteen, and would have probably cried myself to sleep listening to "White Horse." I wanted to be the princess and have the prince come in on the white horse. When I was 16, I thought he had, only to be left crying in the castle. Around 17, I might have been singing the one about either burning some pictures or telling him not to call after I'd figured out the lies. I could go on............

I remember making myself even more miserable after a 'break-up" by going and intentionally finding the love songs that would make me cry the hardest. I was a glutton for punishment! (Granted, I do love 80's music to this day, especially some Journey or Chicago!)

Of course I didn't realize it then, but now I see how low my self-esteem was and how much I thought I HAD to have a boyfriend to be something. At times, especially 8th-9th grade, it seemed all my friends did, but I felt like the ugly duckling, or ugly step-sister and would never find "wuv, twu wuv!"

Why I thought I needed to find true love at the age of 15, I don't know. Or even 16, 17 or 18.

I see so much of this in girls today. They are sometimes consumed with the idea of love, like I was. I don't think I really ever learned that I could be me, or who God would have wanted me to be without having all that drama. It sure wasn't necessary. Instead, it caused a lot of hurt and pain, mostly for me. Our high school principal, Mark Smith, use to tell us that we're just giving little pieces of our hearts away in dating around so much. I really didn't want to hear that, and remember one instance, refusing to. Even if you never give anything away physically, you still do damage emotionally.

So, I say all of this, to anyone who may be like I was. Save yourself in every way for the one God has for you for life. Give yourself instead, to HIM while you wait. He is the one who loves you more than you can possibly imagine.

I think I'll probably discourage Presley from listening to Taylor- and maybe we won't get to cleaning her room over spring break!

Further Still.........

So, it's been awhile, again. I should be doing school work or getting a head start on spring cleaning.....

I can't seem to get away from the past 3 weeks of our David Bible study. Guess that's a good thing, huh?

I'll start with last weeks, and maybe I'll eventually get around to the others!

Last week's video came after we'd just found out Jonathan died. (Jonathan as in David's friend, not anyone I know personally!!) I have to say, I was a little teary eyed after reading that passage. I mean, I knew it was coming- just an emotional week I guess!

Anyway- The video was about going Further still with God. Beth gave 5 ways to know if this season you are in is one where you are being called to go "further still?"

Here are those five ways:

1. Further still....when you are overwhelmed with sorrow.

2. Further still....when you desperately need to wrestle with the will of God.

3. Further still....when nobody else gets it.

4. Further still....when the most serious matters of your life need settling.

5. Further still....when life can't be the same but the pain can bring gain.

Can we go further still without having these prerequisites? I asked our group and they pretty much agreed that no, you couldn't. I could not help but apply each of these to our season with Pruitt. I felt each of these things. Especially #1, #2, and the first part of #5. Under point #1, she mentioned that the word for overwhelmed in Matt. 26:38 meant "grieved all around." "It suggests a sorrow so deep it almost kills."

Under #2, in struggling with the will of God, she talked about the fact that God does not say no lightly. The text was Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemene, and Jesus praying for the cup to pass. God's no to Jesus was salvation for us. When we ask to "let this cup pass from me" sometimes God's answer may be no. It was for us. I did not want to drink from that cup of suffering. But God said "No." Under #5, she mentioned that God does not do things on a whim-if there is such pain, then there is a greater "yes." Again, if no is the answer He has, then there is a greater reason for that, and ultimately a greater purpose, your purpose, my purpose, that would not be possible had that cup not been given to you, to me.

I know that had we not gone through the things we did, I would not have seen a working of God that I did. No, we did not get a miracle, at least not in the world's eyes. But, we did-we got time with our precious baby boy that doctor's said at first would never even happen. He did things they thought he would never do. The list goes on and on.............

The further still part? Well, like I said, I do think I went further still to a place in which there was no other way to get there. Sometimes, I even long to go back to that "place." No, not to the circumstances which caused the pain, or even to the pain, itself, but just to that holy, sovereign place with the Lord. It really is indescribable, unless you've been.

That's not to say that I always went "further still." I think we can be at any one of the five places mentioned above, and easily NOT go further. It is a choice we have. I always said I want to make the right choice with this, (even now), to glorify God in it, and in doing so, honor Pruitt's life. But I KNOW (because of those other 2 studies!!, for one reason!) that I have not always made that choice. There have been days I've been mad, asked "why me?", and let the sorrow overtake me. There have been times when I say "they DON'T understand" and I turn #3 into a pity party. There are times when I feel like the matters (#4) of my life have been settled, only to dig it back up again, and start over with the wrestling. I think it is an ongoing battle sometimes.

Either way, I have gone further still, and sometimes I've made the choice to stop in my tracks on the course God has for me.

I pray that more often than not, I will be found pressing on, running the race, and in the process, discover exactly what God's purpose is for me- even when life can never be the same as it once was.

Being Held,

Jenn