Ride or push?

I was very thankful when the riding lawn mower cranked today. It hasn't worked very well, but after mowing most of the summer with the push mower, the riding mower is a life saver! As I was finishing up, I got to thinking about what a difference it makes-pushing or riding. Riding along while the mower does all the work is a breeze. All I have to do is dodge a few limbs here and there and steer, which is really not work at all. As I compared it to push mowing, I found myself relating it to our walk sometimes with the Lord. It is easy to sit on the pew, take in a sermon, turn on KLove, maybe read some devotion and ride along on the message someone else has from the Lord. They do all the work, and we just coast by, taking in the scenery.

Push mowing is hard work, especially as hot as it and and as big as the yard is! The push mower can get around the poles, ditches and flower beds much better than the riding mower. That really convicted me when I saw that I need to not only hear the sermon, the devotion, etc, but then get in there and do the harder thing by digging in deep myself. I need to see what the Lord is telling me, not just hearing it maybe 3 times a week at church, but everyday.

I have to be honest here; it is so much easier to ride by and even though there are many times where God has used a devotion, a pastor, a song, to speak to me, I still need that one on one time with Him and that has always been a struggle for me.

In fact, just this past week, I came in to school having had a bad morning and told someone if they have a good devotion, to send it my way because I needed it that day. If only I had gotten up a little earlier to open the word on my own, maybe God would have had just the words to say to me that day. Instead I relied on someone else, and that is not how He always needs to speak to us.

I wasn't too hot, really, when I was riding the lawn mower; but when I got off and started pushing and actually having to apply myself and use my own energy to get the job done, boy did I work up a thirst!! Water had never tasted so good!

I think it is the same with Him- when we really start seeking Him and spending that time with Him, it makes us thirsty for more of Him.

I hope I find myself pushing more in my walk and learning from the ride when the other mower cranks as well.

"Son"flowers

On the way to school today, I passed by the Farmer's Market, and saw a bright, bouquet of sunflowers. If I had not been running behind, I would have stopped by and bought some. (Although, I paid a whopping $7 for a watermelon for Presley this summer at a fruit stand, so flowers might run a little higher!)

I couldn't help but think of Pruitt as I passed by. Here is why: two nights before he passed away, I was sitting in the rocking chair by his crib, around midnight, and the Lord gave me a poem. I have said that I love to write but really feel that I have to be "inspired." Well, I was. The words flowed, and it was almost like I couldn't get them down fast enough. I had been thinking of nursery rhymes, and the Itsy Bitsy Spider was on my mind. I had heard of a book called Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields and her battle with post-pardum depression. I guess that was still in my mind......So anyway, I wrote the following poem. I know for sure that it was from the Lord, and I think even though it was true then, it means more to me now.

Out Came the Son

There is a little nursery rhyme, we all know very well, about a tiny spider, his story we can tell. But this is our story, one of joy and pain, and how, just like the spider, we'll go up the spout again. See, for so long the rain poured and mixed in with the tears,

The storm raged all around us, bringing questions, doubts and fears. Yet even in the midst of night, when the clouds turned gray, the Son's light fell on us- His mercies were new each day. He gave us hope, He gave us peace. We were strengthened in our faith. How we made it through the trials was only by His grace. At times we thought the rain wouldn't end, then glimpse we'd get, of a ray of "Son"shine to remind us He wasn't done yet. The flowers grew because of the rain, the grass grew green and tall. Miracles came that some had said would never come at all. Through the storm we learned some things to get us through each day, and just in time, out came the Son, and dried our tears away. So when you sing a little rhyme of a spider and a spout, remember that though the rain may fall, the Son always comes back out.

I had checked on Pruitt at 5am that Sunday morning, August 21, and when I went back in at 7 he had gone to be with Jesus. I like to think that just maybe it was around sun-up, when the Son came to take him home. That would just seem like something the Lord would do.

Jason's aunt had sent us journals to write in during those days after Pruitt was born. On the cover of one of them was this verse: "He is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth." 2 Samuel 23:4

We took sunflowers to the cemetery on Pruitt's birthday, and like I said before, I like to think of them as "Sonflowers." Maybe I'll stop and buy some tomorrow.

Laci

There's so much to our Pruitt story, and I'd like to put it all on here. However, this post will be out of order of things. Five years ago tonight, around 10 o'clock, to be exact, we were getting settled in a hospital room off of the NICU. We were told we had to feel comfortable enough with all the tubes, oxygen and feedings in order to bring Pruitt home. We got in our room and were getting settled before they brought Pruitt in to us, when a nurse came in with a peculiar look on her face. At first I thought something was wrong, and she began to speak. She asked did we know that there had been another baby born in the recent months with the same condition as Pruitt. We did. She asked did we know that he had passed away. We did, only because the hospice worker on that case went to our church and had told us. The she asked us, did we know that he had been in the same "pod," in the same bed space as Pruitt was. We did not know this. I got an eerie feeling when she said that, and then she added, "That baby's mother is here and was wanting to meet you." I was blown away, wondering why in the world she would be there at 10:00pm on a Sunday night. We agreed to the meeting and I sat down waiting for the encounter. A few minutes later, in walked a beautiful blonde girl who I immediately felt a connection with. We sat and talked for at least an hour. As we talked, I found out that she was a nurse tech on a completely different floor. She had not been back to work since her baby, Dalton, had passed away about a month earlier. That night, they needed someone to float up to the NICU and asked her, knowing how difficult that would be. As she approached the "pod" that Dalton had been in and at that very moment, Pruitt was in, she later told me that the nurses tried to keep her away, because of the situations being the same. They knew how hard that would be for her. She insisted on meeting Pruitt, and they then told her we were there.

The next day, I recall telling the events of the night to Jason's mom and how surreal they were. I know Laci felt a need to be able to help us, for she had already walked the road that we were walking; however, I too came away with a feeling of wanting to help her as well.

A friendship formed that night because of a divine appointment that the Lord set up. I believe that with all my heart. It's one thing to be able to say to someone you know how they feel, but she and I really know how the other feels. We saw the exact same doctors! We walked the same path, for the most part. I know God puts people in our lives just when we need them, and I know He did that for me and Laci.

Yardwork

If you know very much about me, you will know that I mow our yard a good bit. I grew up having to share that job with my brothers, so I don't mind it too much. It's good exercise! I do keep hoping the riding mower we have will get fixed, though!

Although I carry on the chore from childhood, I did not inherit my mother's knack for gardening or flowers. I can hardly keep any alive! Needless to say, as long as I get the yard mowed, that's about all I can do. I would never win Yard of the Year because of my flower beds. I was mowing yesterday and noticed two things.

First, after my wonderful husband came in and took over finishing the yard, I decided to see what I could do to the front beds. Having not really taken care of them over the summer, they were pretty bad. So, I got on hands and knees and began to pull.I was grabbing and clawing with both hands, pulling everything away I could with all my might.

It then occurred to me if only we did the same with our sins.

If only we could realize what the bed of our heart looks like sometimes. If only we would tear away with such fierceness the roots of bitterness, anger, jealousy, lust, gossip, envy, and pride, not to mention the "big" ones deeply planted among them.

If you have this weeding picture in mind now, you might imagine that it's a messy job. My fingernails were black; once I even grabbed a vine of briars. Not fun. A stick stabbed me in the hand and my legs hurt from trying not to just sit on the ground. My thumb hurt where I had burned it earlier that day. I even got a whiff of a gift left by a roaming dog. Weeding is a hard, messy job. But, the more I pulled, the more I wanted to pull. I wanted it to look better.

It was getting darker, and I realized something else. In order to really do the job right, I needed light. Who knows what I may have pulled up if I'd kept going in the dark. I was also afraid I might grab a critter of some sort! We also can't weed out the bad in our lives without the LIGHT. His light shines on us and shows us what needs to be removed. He is the true Gardener.

One other thing, not related to weeding so much, that I noticed yesterday, was a cluster of green in the back flower beds. They too have many weeds in them, and lots of rocks! So, I've pretty much let it go as well! But I noticed two groups of something growing. I am pretty sure it is flowers, but I don't remember planting them! What a surprise it will be to see what they look like when they bloom. After a conversation with Jason last night, the Lord confirmed what I had been thinking. We have a job to plant seeds in the soil of others' lives. Often it seems there is no fruit coming from our hard labor. Then, someday the flower will bloom from the seed that we don't even remember planting. I really do pray I am planting the right seeds in the lives of our youth, my students and my children. I pray that I and others will water that seed along the way, and that God will bloom it in His time. And in the waiting, His grace will cover them. I also pray in my own life and theirs, that He will weed out those things that don't belong so that we are a beautiful garden in His eyes. Then, we can be a fragrant witness of His beauty and grace.

Penny for your thoughts

A penny for your thoughts, they say. You're especially on my mind today

As I remember the day you came, my treasure can't be taken away.

I hold you dear, so close to my heart, just as I did from the start.

I am held by the One Who holds, you my son, so we're never really apart.

From the moment we knew that we would dress you in blue

Until the time came that He called out your name, His Word remained true.

A penny for your thoughts, they say. Many a debt I could pay

With all the times you've been on my mind, never far away.

Yet how rich am I to have held and known such a gift from God alone.

Even though, too soon we thought, He had to take you back home.

You left your mark, right on our hearts, when we first saw your face.

Somehow all along, your little lifesong, will sing of His goodness and grace.

I really can't believe that it's been 5 years. We took sunflowers today to the cemetery but I'd like to think of them as "Sonflowers." It is because of the Son that I have any hope at all, and because of Him that I am even able to get up in the mornings.

I seem to do better on Pruitt's birthday than on his going home day. These in-between days are the harder ones. I guess that's normal. But today, I thank the Lord for the blessing He gave us 5 years ago. That in itself is all a story to tell, for the Lord has done great things for us. What a testimony his little life has!

"...everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." Isaiah 43:7

Happy Birthday, Baby Pruitt

Being Held

Hold- to bear, sustain or support as with the hands or arms, or by any other means

Sustain- to keep (a person) from giving way, as under a trial or affliction

When I thought about what to write for my first "real" blog, I thought I should explain the name of the blog. Megan got me started and actually got this from looking at my facebook info page. It couldn't be more appropriate. During the short months after we found out about Pruitt, the song "Held" came out on the radio. I heard it one day while I was still pregnant and could not believe the words I was hearing. It is very hard to put into words at a time like that, what you are feeling. We didn't even know the extent of everything at the time, but after he went to be with the Lord, the song seemed to say so much of what I felt.

"This is what it is to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your lives and you survive."

We played the song at both funeral services. I don't really even think I understood what those words really meant, even then. But I felt the Lord holding us.

The definition above tells you what takes place when He does that, and scripture testifies to it as well. Another line in the song says, "This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows."

I truly believe that God sustained us, and kept us from giving way to the bitterness and hatred. Oh, yes, I tasted of it on days and many days wanted to drink from its fountains. Unless you've been there, you don't know the spiritual battle that comes at a time like that. It was so real and the depression is ironically, and deceptively so comforting. I could drown my sorrows in it. Even on those days, God held me and kept me from drowning it it. It is only by His grace that we are where we are today. I will be the first to tell you I am not "there" yet and healing is still taking place, but it is only because of His mercies that have been new and His grace that has brought us thus far.

"If hope is born of suffering.........can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?"

Even on the most normal days still, I hear the Lord saying, "This is what it is, Jennifer, to be held by Me. I held you thru pregnancy, the delivery, the waiting, the funeral, the holidays, anniversaries, vacations, moves, jobs, and everyday in between and I will hold you every day to come. I've been holding you all along."

Being Held,

Jennifer

New to me!

Well, this blog thing is very new to me, considering I'm not very savy when it comes to computers! Thanks to Megan Johnson for setting me up. I have to say, I love to write but only seem to get inspired every now and then. Maybe it will hit me more since I have this!

If not, I'll post some earlier writings or something!!