April 1- Fifteen Years Later

A long time ago, April first was a celebrated day in our family- well, at least through spoken celebrations. It is my Nanny's birthday. Growing up in my home, birthdays were not much different than any other day. We might send cards or pick some flowers out of the yard, possibly. But other than that, we didn't celebrate birthdays. I know I had a 5 year old birthday party- not because I remember, but because I've seen the pictures of myself posed with my Raggedy Ann cake, surrounded by my brother and cousins. I do recall the surprise birthday party I had when I was 15, attended by a friend and boyfriend, and probably my little brother. Other than that, birthdays weren't a big deal, but they were dates embedded in my head of those closest to me.

Fast forward- or rewind rather- to 15 years ago, when another April Fool's Day came around. On that day, I found myself pregnant for the third time and sitting in a doctor's office, waiting ultrasound results- results that would bring me to my knees and change our world forever. 

"I remember it all- oh how well I remember, the feeling of hitting the bottom.........."

That day, in that small doctor's office, I sat as he told me our child would most likely be stillborn or would not live long after birth. And he was right. After carrying our son Pruitt for 37 weeks, he was born (a beautiful baby) in July of that summer, and lived 33 days before leaving us right around sunrise on a Sunday morning in August.

I've written of this before......so I understand if you have tired of hearing my story. 

But every April fools day that rolls around, my mind and heart takes me back to that room, to that day- the day my world fell apart. It was a day that felt like a dream- surreal- that this could not be happening to me, to us and our little family. But it did.

"But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope..."

Hope. If you come in our house, you will see that word in several places. God's grace and a whole lot of Hope. It was what got me through, and what still gets me through days like today. 

But I write this today for you. Perhaps your world has fallen apart today. I know somewhere, somewhere probably pretty close by, someone's has. My own family is experiencing this as my aunt's family has lost a loved one due to the virus. 

I have gotten off of Facebook for a few days because it was too much for me. I told a friend, although I've been here before- in the unknown, all the reports and news was getting to me, and it doesn't take much to allow my mind to wander, and before I know it, it is filled with worry. It became an anxiety pandemic of my thoughts. 

I had to be reminded of Truth. 

In those days 15 years ago, there was so much unknown. We really had no idea how things were going to turn out. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. But what DO we know?

God's loyal love could't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great is your faithfulness!

Yes. This we know!! This is what we have to hold on to in the middle of the crisis, the storm, the loss, the pandemic, the unknown.

I wrote this in my journal 15 years ago- a quote by FB Myer. "Has He not thus brought you into difficulties that He may have an opportunity of strengthening your faith, by giving some unexplained proof of His power? Wait only on the Lord, trust also in Him, He will provide."

He will provide. EVERYTHING we need. Comfort, peace, provision, strength, grace, mercies new every morning. 

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. 

Lamentations 3:19-24

Demi, Kobe, and Me

And yes, I know that title is grammatically incorrect, my high school English teachers :)

Were it not for the fact that I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl, the names Demi Lovato and Kobe Bryant might be lost on me.....Really, they might. But my girl loved her Disney Channel, and my boy is right at this moment attending a Grizzlies Basketball game, so these two celebrity names were dropped and watched occasionally in our home. This has been a week of tweets and posts regarding the two- Kobe certainly more than Demi, I'm sure. And I don't mean to take anything away from that tragedy- because I too stayed glued to Fox News on Sunday, until I made myself get up and go to the doctor to get a shot for strep. However,  Demi hasn't been too far from my mind either. She wouldn't have been, if I hadn't tuned in to the Grammy's Sunday night. (Yes, I'm sure there were better things I could do.) But my interest was piqued as Demi took the stage to sing. I knew some of her back story, because of my teenage daughter. I knew that she had struggled with anxiety, depression, substance abuse and overdosed, then was in rehab. This would be her first performance since being hospitalized- and this message was NOT lost on me. Some of her lyrics...."a hundred million stories and a hundred million songs, I feel stupid when I sing; Nobody's listening to me...I talk to shooting stars but they always get it wrong, I feel stupid when I pray, so why am I praying anyway if nobody's listening.. Anyone, please send me anyone. Lord is there anyone, I need someone..." 

I was moved to tears. Not because I follow Demi on Instagram and know her so well and watched all her movies. But because my heart hurt for her. And because if I'm honest, how many people do I come in contact with everyday who feel this way. And if I'm being REALLY honest, how many times have I felt that way?

And I was moved to tears watching Fox News. Not because I followed Kobe on Instagram and I watched all of his games and am a huge fan, but because my heart hurt for his family- and the families of all the others who died that day. And because I do come in contact with people EVERYDAY down the street or in the halls or on Facebook who did lose someone they love. 

Maybe I'm not making sense here.

My point is....

What is eternal? 

I'll probably never meet Demi Lovato or Kobe Bryant's family. I'll never have the opportunity to minister to them. Sure, I can pray for them. 

But my mind is more on their souls. Did Kobe know the Lord? Does Demi? More personally- does my neighbor? My co-worker? My family? Does my life even reflect that I do?

I was reminded once again today that we waste A LOT of time on things that ARE. NOT. ETERNAL.  I'm so guilty. (I'll refrain from listing my TV shows here....)

But aren't we all caught up in the insignificant? Games, fame, music, grades, trophies, money, food, clothes, other's opinions, sleep... (ok, my own toes are hurting.)

I was bent out of shape a week ago over test scores. NOT ETERNAL.

One of my sweet first grade babies told me today that she invited Jesus in her heart. ETERNAL!!!!!  Praise God!! Somebody's eyes are focused on things unseen!

My prayer is that I will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading when He puts a Demi in my life- one who is begging for anyone who will listen. May I be that someone.

Or when I feel like no one is listening and that my prayers don't matter- remind me that He is listening.

Or when He puts a Bryant family, or an Altobelli family, or a Mauser family or Chester family or Zobayan family in my path, He will give me words of comfort and the message of hope that they can have in Him. 

That is eternal. 

And if I'm not sensitive to the Spirit's leading- that is also eternal.

Colossians 3:1-3

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

A few days after my last blog, I found myself battling the exact thing I had blogged about. While I won’t make this my platform for confession, (although I did share with a couple of people what I had done), I will say that even as I was doing it, I knew better. Hopefully I’m not alone when I say that. I think we all find ourselves at times giving in to that temptation- whether it be lying, gluttony, gossip, even the act of just not doing what we are supposed to do, or worse. We, like Paul, struggle with doing what we are supposed to, and not doing what we should.
I tried to justify my sin, and to some, they may even think it was no big deal. But I knew what God had said to me, and I disobeyed anyway.
That was brought back to mind today when I saw this:

Now, I haven’t researched cicadas, and don’t know the process of their shedding... maybe I’ll do some research later! But immediately when I saw it, I was reminded of Scripture.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says “if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.”
Romans 6 tells us we must consider ourselves dead to sin and alive in Christ!

How often do I find myself hanging on to my old self, just like this cicada. I watched him for a little bit, and he continued to hold on to his old shell.
Over and over again, I find myself doing the same. Are you like me or am I alone? Why is it so difficult to let go of some of our old ways? Or maybe we do let go for a while, only to find ourselves right back where we started. It’s the continual struggle- the battle of the flesh.

I’m also reminded of familiar yet powerful verses that God uses in my life several years ago: “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free....If the Son has set you free then you are free indeed.”

I think therein lies the answer. The Truth! We must be ever leaning on the Truth.
I will confess here a different sin, that I also confessed to Jason yesterday. I was getting ready to leave for the weekend, and asked, “Have you seen my Bible?” I think you know where this is going... obviously I hadn’t read it much this week if I couldn’t seem to find it.  Oh, I had used my Bible app on my phone a couple of times, and read a devotion. But spending valuable time in the Word had not been a priority. Instead, it was lesson plans, housework, long hours at work and other things that I easily let fill my time.
If I’m not walking in the Truth, I’m much more likely to be hanging on to the ways of the old man.
Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe we can all lift each other up as well and “encourage each other all the more as we see the Day approaching.”
I know I sure need it. Do you?

So........It has been FOREVER since I've blogged- I'm actually surprised I remembered how to log in.......Life has certainly been moving along since my last post.
We've since gone through graduation that was expected and a diagnosis that was not, and now another Senior year upon us.
Today's day to day was no different......work until 5:30, home to eat, and an unforeseen burst of energy spurred me into "cleaning like your mother-in-law is coming."
I eventually found myself once again on my hands and knees in the kitchen. I've been there several times, usually with a magic eraser. The reason: 

The linoleum should look white with gray........but these little grooves hold dirt that I've tried to scrub many times. The magic eraser cleans it at a surface level but doesn't quite do the job.

Tonight, I decided to use a brush. Why this never occurred to me before, I don't know. Maybe because I've just done the same thing over and over.........I think there's a word for that. 

Insanity, anyone?

As I was brushing away, I found myself thinking how silly it really was that I had never used a brush. The results were not lost on me.

Maybe the difference isn't staggering to you, but if you had looked at those little black grimy spots as many times as I have, you would be just as excited to see them gone!

I scrubbed and scrubbed for as long as I could, until my sugar dropping called me to stop!

But once again, as I was there on the floor, God was speaking. And I'm so glad He did.

I know He's spoken over the past year and a half, but my blogs sure aren't evident of it, and I began to wonder, "Does my LIFE give evidence that He's still speaking to me?"

I went back to those spots of dirt that had collected in those tiny little crevices. The Lord was asking me to look at my own heart. How many little nooks and crannies were there in my heart that were speckled with sin. Maybe from a distance, they weren't that noticeable to others, unless they were looking for them. But they were noticeable to me.

I knew exactly what was in those places.

And all the while, I have tried to "surface" clean them, when I needed Him to take His brush and scrub them away. 

Romans 8:13 says "If you use your lives to do the wrong things your sinful selves want, you will die spiritually. But if you use the Spirit's help to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, you will have true life."

If you come inspect my kitchen floor, you will definitely not find it perfect. It's still a work in progress. 

We all are. But once we realize that we need Him and that we must confess and repent, He begins to make us new, in each and every area. 

Then, as 2 Corinthians 7:1 says, "Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God."

It feels good to write again, but even better to know that God continues to have a Word for me; and even if I don't get it out to the social media outlets, I pray others will see the that "He's still working on me."

Breath of Heaven

I remember listening to this song over and over when I was in high school. I had the Amy Grant Christmas album (or cassette!) and would rewind again and again to hear it.
Mary's Song.
In the past few years and again recently, I've sang it at church- I know Amy does it better!
I suppose this year more than ever, as I sang, I selfishly thought a little less of Mary, and more of others, self included. Not to take anything away from Mary at all. When we think of her, we do think of her special calling, and yes, she was favored among women.
But as the words sung out amidst nervousness, it really was a prayer from own my heart, and for so many on my mind.

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together....Lighten my darkness...."
So many hurting hearts around us.
I've been there- some days I still am.
We pass people every single day, and little do we know that inside they feel like life is falling apart. A sickness, a wayward child, a terminal diagnosis, a marriage in pieces, a family without a loved one this season, a loss of a child, a broken heart, an fear of the unknown, anxiety, depression, addiction, a military spouse overseas, a foster child.....we know the list goes on and on...that which seems like a cloud of darkness over them.

"Frightened by the load I bear, In a world as cold as stone, Must I walk this path alone....."
The load is sometimes unbearable. The world doesn't seem to care. Sometimes it feels like even those closest to us do not care.
Mary had those same feelings, I am sure. To know the story is to know that she was probably forgotten, shunned, shamed and lonely many times.
Much like Mary, those feelings seem to prevail in us more than those of hope sometimes.

"Help me be strong, help me."
Even on the days when Mary probably felt confused, afraid, and uncertain, she knew Who was in control. The angel told her the power of the Holy Spirit was upon her. Luke 1:35 says the power of the Most High will overshadow you." In context it refers to the work of the Holy Spirit that allowed her to conceive. He who was within her was God, the Word- Christ.
We too have access to that same Word. If we are His, He is in us.
This song is not just for Mary- it is for all.
The same breath of Heaven that was in her is in us!
What encouragement we can find in that truth!

As I sang this song last week for the last time this Christmas season, I saw tears being wiped away from a face who no longer sees her precious mother. I knew that was her prayer, that the Breath of Heaven would hold her together every second, every minute, every hour that her hurting heart cries. Or at least, if it wasn't her prayer, it was mine for her.
You may be in a similar season.

We can relate to Mary. We know later she would have had these same feelings of fear, grief and uncertainty at the foot of the cross. But maybe, just maybe, her mind went back to her song of praise found in Luke 1:46. She recalled His promise to be with her and her soul was able to magnify Emmanuel, God who was with her.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Breath of Heaven, hold together those who are hurting today.
May they feel you ever so close, and can look back like Mary and say, "the Mighty One has done great things for me- holy is His name."

Honeysuckle and Briars

As much as I love writing, I CAN NOT BELIEVE it's been a year almost since I've blogged. Have I done nothing "blog worthy" in a year? Well. Maybe it's stored inside rather than on paper. But today seemed like a good day.
This blog will be similar to a past post. But for whatever reason, it must be what I needed today. Yet there's so much more in my mind and on my heart right now.......

None the less, here goes.
So I'm sure they think I'm crazy. My neighbors, that is.
I'm certain most other people I'm around would agree. Some days, more than others. I forget a lot; I ask for repeated directions. I've been known to put wrong things in wrong places. I'll just blame age.

Back to my neighbors.
I decided to go do yard work, at 6:00, after another day of working till 5:00- because that sounds like a fun thing to do on a Friday night. I tried to get Presley to help. That didn't last long.

So my neighbor is sitting in his yard, unbeknown to me, for a little while while I'm "de-stressing" after an hard week. I finally see him and pretend that I had to check my phone. Why? Because I don't know the first thing about cutting shrubs. I tried to get some advice from my mom a few days ago about it. She did tell me I could cut it, but I would lose the berries from this bush that usually turn red in winter. Well, I really didn't mind - and Presley agreed saying, "We ain't never picked them for Christmas before."
Anyway, after I see that my neighbors have gone inside- and hope that they are not looking out their window- I go back to trimming the "shrub."  Here's a before picture.

If you notice, there's a lot of things that don't belong. You see some kind of oak tree. There's a few briars mixed in, and the whole thing is pretty much taken over by honeysuckle. My mama told me this is a Nandina. It's kind of hard to tell though, because of the honeysuckle.
I didn't realize how much honeysuckle, until I started cutting and pulling and tearing it away from the plant.
I was pulling it from the stems, and being reminded of Presley not wanting to cut out all the honeysuckle- because she wanted it to bloom in the spring.
It's sweet fragrance can be smelled from a distance. It's pretty to look at, and you're not country unless you know how to suck the juice from its blooms. Plus, there's the whole attracting bees and pollination thing too.
But so many things in our lives can compare to the honeysuckle- many good and beautiful things, that are helpful and enjoyable. Yet if we let them, they can overtake what we were meant to be. The Nandina stood tall, but was living under the burden of what didn't belong there. The red berries were meant to be the fruit of that plant. Yes, the briars had crept their way in, as briars usually do. No they don't belong either, and represent all the bad things we let in our lives.
But sometimes what seems like the good things can take over our lives. I've heard it said, "The good is the enemy of the best. "
There's been many a Bible study on this very thing. Saying no to certain things, in order to say yes to the best things.
I have to admit, I'm not good at that. And honestly, now, I feel like the Nandina, burdened with so many things. It's SO. HARD. TO. FIND. BALANCE.
And the solution is keeping check on it all the time.
If I were a good gardener, I would have never let it get that bad.

So what now? Does my yard look flawless? Nope. Not at all.
But look at the weight that has been lifted from Nandina. (She's on the right....Well maybe on the left too....I don't know my plants very well. But I'm pretty sure they are the same!) As I carried that pile to the road, I'm sure the neighbors still thought I was crazy because I looked like a walking bush. But it needed to be on the road, carried off to the compost pile. 

Doesn't she look refreshed!? 

What in my life needs to be cut away, even that which seems good?

I'm reminded of the Proverbs 31 woman. I re-read that passage, and found verse 25-26.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom..." 
She is confident and has learned through wisdom what to say yes to, and what to let go of.
May we all learn from this passage, and seek the Lord's will for what He would want us to do. 

And if we don't have red berries for Christmas this year, it will be ok.

Run Hard

Evidently I've been busy. While writing is close to my heart, I guess other things have been closer the past few months. But, it's that season again. A season that inspires me. The season of cross country. For the life of me, I don't know why these kids (or anyone) would want to run for fun. I keep thinking I'm gonna try it one day, but I learned back at the beginning of the summer that you have to start small and work your way up to this running thing. I tried running up a hill to catch a picture of a sunset and thought I might have a heart attack. So, my running record is a poor one!

Today, we were at another meet with Peyton. I love seeing the new spectators, and watch them learn how this whole sport works. I am still learning too. But most of all, I love the unity of the team, and the lessons I learn watching my son, and others, run.

During his race, I had "ran" my way back towards the finish line. (By ran, I mean, my jog turned into a brisk walk, which then, just changed into a slow one as we checked the time, and realized we still had about two minutes to get to the finish to watch the runners come through.) As I cheered on our team, I overheard someone yelling to another runner, "Run hard; he's coming." 

"Write that one down," I said.

While I didn't have pen and paper, or even my phone to take notes on, I thought about the truth in those four words.

Run hard. He's coming. 

As I thought about Scripture, and later looked them up, I came upon this one. 

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

I thought about the sin that we face daily in this race that we are struggling through. Satan is coming after us. I see it everyday. In my life, my kids lives, my marriage. We see it in families destroyed by addictions, abuse, affairs. We see it through division, diversion and distractions. I saw this in the life of one in recent months, who had overcome so many struggles by the grace of God and was sharing that with others, yet the evil remained close, and he lost the battle.  Satan is coming after us. As I heard those words today, I pictured the image of the enemy chasing that boy, as he was so close to the finish line. Our kids are being bombarded with temptations that are at their fingertips. The culture they are growing up in is so far from the Word of God. They are being lied to, and the Truth seems to be a thing of the past. And the enemy is right on their heels, hoping they will trip up and fall. Because the enemy knows his time is limited, and we are trying to "run hard."

Because HE is coming! Yes! Satan knows his time is drawing shorter and shorter. So of course he would be busy.

We must run hard!! He's coming! Run with endurance. Don't give up.   

"....looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

"holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain." Phil. 2:15b

He is the founder of our faith and He will perfect it when we finally finish our race. 

When these kids run, they know the finish line is up ahead. They can't see it yet, but they know it's there. When they cross it, then what they hoped and waited to get to, will be there. Their faith will be made sight. Of course, all don't finish at the same time; each one runs the "race marked out for" them. 

Yes, the enemy is coming. He's a roaring lion seeking us to destroy us. (1 Peter 5:8) Yet he disguises himself as an angel of light. (2 Cor. 11:14) He's on our heels, attacking where he can. 

But we as believers must "Run Hard." We must hold on tightly to the Word of Truth, teaching it to our children, and sharing it with others. So many need to hear that Truth. And know that He, the King of Kings, is coming for us, either when our earthly race is won, or when He returns. He will give us the strength until that day.

So run hard!