I'm not trying to sound spiritual, but...........

Yesterday, I heard myself saying those words twice. I was in a discussion about education today, and what could be done about certain issues. In the conversation, I began to make my point with those words, "I'm not trying to sound spiritual, but......." and then went on to make my point. Yes, it was a spiritual, Biblical point. My intentions were not to come across "self-righteous," "holier than thou-ish" or Pharisee-ical. But I've not been able to get away from that today. Then again tonight, as I listened to Francis Chan from the live stream of the Passion conference, my mind went back to that statement. One of his points was about whether or not we take the Bible literally- just do what it says. He also encouraged us not to take another speaker or pastor's word,necessarily, but to get in the Word ourselves, and see for ourselves what God says.

As I thought about that, several things crossed my mind.

How many times do I come across "holier- than thou?" But on the same hand, should we NOT sound spiritual in our conversations? I looked up a few verses and here's what I found: I Corinthians 2:13 - This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.

Ephesians 5:19
speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord,

Colossians 1:9
For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding.

As I listened to a previous stream from the Passion conference, Beth Moore was speaking about the woman with the issue of blood. She talked about how unclean she was, especially in that day.

I was convicted of my uncleanliness, even from today, when my speech has not been "spirit-filled." The following verse then speaks to our speech.

1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

It never fails that God will use something I'm saying to my own kids to make a point to me. Tonight, I was trying to get them to bed, and of course, they were stalling. I heard nerf gun bullets hit something, Presley chasing the cat with a pillowcase, while coming to give me a hug. I raised my voice, "I love you too, but just OBEY and go to bed!"

Immediately, I heard the Lord say, "Just OBEY, Jennifer. Take me literally and just do what I say!" Over and over He tells me what to do, how to live- His word is literal. It's written out plain as day. If I'd just do it.

I want my words to be "spiritual" and edifying. I also want my actions speak love to others. I hope that both will be grown out of time focusing on Him as I reach for that hem of His garment, in faith of being cleansed.

Isaiah 9:6- Christmas Hope

As we come upon the celebrations of Christmas over the next few days, my heart is heavy for so many friends and loved ones-some I know well, some just I've heard of. It seems there has been much heartache this year, much of it recent. As I thought of these, I was reminded of something I wrote in a Christmas card we sent that first Christmas after Pruitt died. He's on my mind often, but especially at this time of the year, and as I continue to write on my book.

So, in thinking of these things, I'd like to share what God said to me from the verses in Isaiah, and pray that He will be all those things to so many who are hurting- whether its because they are having the first Christmas without their loved one, they are struggling with an illness, maybe their husband is serving our country overseas, maybe a dream has been shattered or still unmet, or maybe they just feel lonely. May the God of hope be so very present in their midst.

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the goverment will be on his shoulders. And he will be called WONDERFUL COUNSELOR, MIGHTY GOD, EVERLASTING FATHER, PRINCE OF PEACE." Isaiah 9:6

As we come to this time of year, we hear this verse often. For those mentioned and as a reminder to myself, I pray that God would be a COUNSELOR to us when words aren't there from others. I pray He'd be our PEACE when we have questions and decisions to make. I pray we'd know that He is a MIGHTY GOD, even when we don't understand and question "why?" Most of all, I pray we'd know that He is our EVERLASTING FATHER, and because of that, we have the hope of heaven.

May you and yours have a blessed Merry CHRISTmas!!

Writer's Block

It's been a crazy few weeks, and as I looked back over blogs, it must have been a crazy few months, since I haven't blogged since October.

One of the things I was SO looking forward to over Christmas break, was getting back to my writing. I've just read a message from a published author, and the process that she gives to get started seems depressing, as she stated herself.

As I read, I felt more and more discouraged.

No, I don't have writer's block. I know exactly what I want to say, and how. But now I feel this book dream has been "blocked" some how. Is it an unrealistic dream?

The lady's message also said I need to have a platform- a specific audience for my book. My audience would be anyone who knows of loss- more specifically, the loss of a child. A loss brings about so many different feelings, some that one may not even realize until experiencing it. My goal in writing is not only to share our story, but to bring glory to the Lord for His work in the midst of suffering. Not only that, but His work in my life through this time.

In this book, I relate the process of grief to "games," as I try to figure out how to live life after such a loss. I think anyone with any kind of loss can relate somehow- because loss is loss, no matter what kind.

I just want to use our experience for the glory of God, whether that means speaking about it, writing about it, or just trying to live everyday in the freedom of Christ. In doing so, I want to make much of Him.

So, on that note, I think I'll get back to that book. I think I'm chapter 8- one of the hardest chapters yet.

Like a pencil with no lead..........

Like a pencil with no lead, these are the days of our lives.............

No, if you are a fan of that soap, you know that's not how it goes.

A year or so ago, maybe two, I found myself constantly sharpening pencils at school for my kids. I had the hand crank sharpener, which didn't work too well with alot of pencils. It seemed like it would just eat them up! (That, or either the kids were eating them! It happens!)

One day I kept turning and turning, not getting anywhere with this pencil. I'd look at the tip and still nothing. I was really getting frustrated with these "cheap" pencils, when I looked a little closer. I soon realized that it wasn't so much the sharpener's problem as it was the pencil's. What appeared to be a nice, new yellow #2 with brand new eraser (not eaten), was just that; but it was completely hollow inside. On the outside, it seemed to be as it was supposed to be, but empty on the inside. It happened more that once!

Immediately, the Lord spoke to me and I heard Him say that I am are like that some days. I may appear to be all dressed up, hair done, even matching my outfit to my earrings, bracelet and necklace- (which if you know me, you know that doesn't happen often!)- but inside, I am just empty- hollow- and not being used for the purpose I was supposed to be. My purpose is to know Him and make Him known to others, but if I'm not allowing Him to fill me up with His Spirit daily, then I'm just as useless as that piece of pretty painted wood.

Sure, it was stamped with the brand and #2, but was worthless. It could not fully serve its purpose and so, I threw it in the trash.

By the way, I've since gotten an electric sharpener, which is so much better- but even the best one still does nothing for the holder of hollowed out places.

I realize more and more how much I need that filling daily, hourly, minutely sometimes! I want God to fulfill His purpose in and through me by using my life to write on the lives of others and be a scribe of praise to His name!

Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."

Games

It's the year of same days.....and now it feels like the same days are over-almost. I do recall 6 years ago, being 'home" after Pruitt's funeral, watching the news of hurricane Katrina. Now, the anniversary days are over for another year.

We had a very special privilege to speak at Longview on the anniversary of Pruitt's death. At the time we were asked, Jason's dad didn't realize it would fall on that same day. He gave us the opportunity to change the date, but we didn't. I'm glad. It was such an awesome opportunity to bless the Lord on such a day. All I can say is that His grace and peace was all over me and Jason. There is no way I could have gotten thru it without Him. I'll share here a few words from my part, although I have so much I can add to it- I may even write a book!

I related our story to children's games. ( I love analogies!! ) On the board game CANDYLAND, there are 3 out of 131 spaces that you would not want to land on. Well, in the "game" of LIFE, everybody usually lands on at least 1. That was the case for us, on April 1, 2005. Like JENGA, our world fell apart that day, learning that our baby would have a condition "not compatible with life." I remember specifically calling my best friend Wyndi, telling her I didn't know how I would do this, carry him knowing he would not live. It was then the game of SCRABBLE; I was given the letters OWH. I had spelled "HOW" but should have spelled "WHO." It would be the Who that would get us through. Then came 20 QUESTIONS. We had so many questions and not alot of answers. Next was a game of CHESS because we were trying to see three moves ahead in trying to make decisions. Then came a constant game of CHUTES AND LADDERS, after Pruitt was born.....so many ups and downs. After Pruitt died, I was constantly in a battle of TUG OF WAR with the enemy- this game went on for a while. Add to that MOTHER MAY I. Remember if you say "Mother, may I" you get to move ahead. If not, you have to go back to the start. I felt like I was constantly going 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. That one has gone on for several years.

This summer, I felt like I was playing FREEZE TAG. I'd been frozen on the inside for the past 6 years; frozen by bitterness and resentment. These verses hit me sometime in July, that "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.......If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed!" And, almost just like that, He tagged me, and "unfroze" me.

This "game," which is so NOT a game, is like MONOPOLY. If you've ever played it, it seems like it will last forever. This too will be a part of me forever.........but I'm glad. I can honestly say I'm thankful God picked me to be in on this game even though I would have wished for a different game plan......and like Jason said, we don't know yet exactly how it will end, but we will win and won't be SORRY.........it won't be a mystery where we don't have a CLUE.........the TROUBLE will be over...............instead there will be complete PERFECTION!!

Happy Birthday, Baby Pruitt!

Another year.......Wow. It's hard to believe it's now been 6 years. I've been singing a song all day that we sang at camp last week. "I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin. It begins like this:

"Be still, there is a Healer.......His mercy, it is unfailing.....

I lift my hands to believe again, You are my refuge, You are my strength,

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, You are faithful, God, forever."

I think it's pretty fitting for today. We sang it last week on the night Louie spoke of there being dark days in this story that God has put us in. One thing he said was "your worst day was going to be your best day." This was in context of the thief on the cross who believed Jesus was Who He said He was. Those few hours of agony would bring him to a "doorway where Christ's wounds would bring healing." He went on to say that "the cross is the concrete you stand on when the sky turns black" in our lives.

I can say that with confidence, six years out. It is because of the cross that there is any hope at all.Maybe I would have said it 1 or 2 years out- yeah, I would have. But even then, I wouldn't have known it like I do now, or even like I will as time goes on.

My favorite line of the song above is the chorus. "As I pour out my heart, these things I remember...." It reminds me of my Lamentations verses. "I remember it all, oh how well I remember, the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on HOPE. God's loyal love couldn't run out, his merciful love could't have dried up, they're created new every morning." Lam. 3:19-23

When I pour out my heart that can still sometimes be full of pain, I do remember. I remember how God was so gracious to us in so many ways, one of which is just allowing Pruitt to be born, and live with us for 33 days, when doctors had said at one time that may never happen. Yes, He is faithful forever, He is a Healer. I do lift up my hands to Him for He has been my strength. His mercies are unfailing, new everyday.

Thank You Lord, for blessing us with Pruitt!

Cat in a Cage

Growing up with outdoor pets, you'd think I wouldn't mind them so much. However, I've never been much for animals in the house. That changed somewhat a few months ago when we got a cat. Still not completely thrilled with it being in the house, we tried to get it use to being outside. That was our goal anyway, to make it an outside cat.

Last Friday, Jason noticed Shadow, (very original name, I know, for a black cat) was limping; so he took it to the vet. After X-rays, he concluded that she had a broken leg. We think she got hit by a car or either fell trying to get out of a tree! The choice then was to pay $600 for surgery, or kennel her for 6 weeks and hope that she heals on her own. NEEDLESS to say, we put her in a kennel. We need to put $600 on Peyton's teeth, not the CAT!

As I watched and listened to her lay in the "cage" crying, it got me to thinking of what cages we find ourselves in sometimes, due to hurts and broken places. A cage of bitterness, selfishness, anger, self-pity.

At times, I have found myself locked in a cage, wanting to try to just heal on my own. It's really a pitiful place, locked up with little room to move. You find yourself crying out, yet getting comfortable there because you know if you move too much, it just causes more pain. Eventually, the cage becomes a new "home," a new place of comfort. You hear all that goes on around you, and know that there are those out there that care for you, but because you have chosen to "heal on your own," there is a locked door that keeps you from their love.

The other choice we have would to be to let the Great Physician unlock the door and perform His "surgery" on us. Yes, it can be costly. It may cost us our pride, our comfortable place. It may involve Him asking us to let go of our way of doing things.

His is the only way we can truly heal. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3