The Empty Room

 

I've been mulling over this post for over a month, now.  Five weeks, to be exact. That's how long it's been since she moved out. 

I'm no stranger to an empty room. I've been here before. Walking back into Pruitt's empty nursery may have been the hardest. Everything was left in it's place- except him.

After several weeks, maybe even months- I don't remember exactly- I went back to my Nannie's room, after she left us there on Christmas Eve. I walked back into my Papaw's empty house after he died. I've given the last look several times as we've emptied houses in order to move on to another one.  I've set my eyes on the empty pews at church where saints use to worship; I've even been burdened over empty seats at school where students no longer laugh and learn, for various reasons.  I've driven by homes where friends once lived, now inhabited by those who are strangers to me. Just recently, I left an empty classroom to fill a new one. 

My experience with empty rooms may pale in comparison to some, I'm sure. But I know we could sit and talk and cry together, because we have all been there. 

As I looked at Presley's room that day she left, something shifted. I knew it was coming. I actually handled it pretty well. But life changed that day. Life as it had always been now looked different. She wouldn't actually "live" here anymore. Or at least, that's her plan! I know, they do come back sometimes :)

But looking at her empty room emptied something in me. A little piece of my heart sank because I knew she wasn't in the place where she had always been- at home. Yes, she would come back lots of weekends. But everything that was "old and what had been" was now "new and what is."

Presley moving to college is not the point of this post, though.

It's not lost on me the depths of emptiness. While children moving out of the nest is a form of loss, to a degree- and a small type of grief I do think we as parents go though, we do figure out how to navigate the "new and what is." I'm trying, at least!

But I know the pits of emptiness. I've been in some of them.

The empty crib. 

The empty house.

The empty bed. The empty chair. 

The empty desk. The empty office.

The empty "recent calls" or "text messages."

The empty heart.

We can all relate to one or many. While my losses are somewhat removed from today, they are not removed from my heart. And my heart hurts for so many tonight who are feeling the sting of those empty places that they are walking into. The empty seat they sit beside. The bare closet where the clothes no longer hang. The unoccupied chair at the dinner table. The silent rooms. 

Empty- vacant, unoccupied, bare

As I looked at her empty room, I was reminded of another empty place. I was hesitant to write this that weekend, because so much loss had taken place around us during that time. But, it seems there will never be a "good" day to write this message, because we live in a broken world and hearts are breaking everyday. 

But there is hope. And breaking hearts need that.

The heading in my Bible before John 20 states, "The Empty Tomb." There we read that Mary, Peter and another disciple (the Bible says the one Jesus loved- most likely John), ran to the tomb, and found it EMPTY. Everything was in its place- the burial cloth, the linen strips- EXCEPT JESUS!!! He was not there!

Friends, that is our hope. Tears come to my eyes as I type, because I know your empty place is raw and fresh and new and devastating; I know the pain seems unbearable. But know that your empty place doesn't have to be empty. It doesn't have to be vacant, unoccupied, or bare. Yes, it feels like it. Yes, it sounds like it. Yes, it most definitely looks like it. But whatever left to make that place empty, know that it can be filled with hope- and we have this hope is because of the EMPTY tomb!!

You're going to cry and scream. You're going to ask why? You will likely have sleepless nights and tears that come out of nowhere. That's ok. 

Then fall into His arms. He is faithful to hold you. He gives peace that you cannot understand. His grace reaches into those deep, empty places and lifts you up. Let Him fill your empty heart. Trust in His mercies- He gives it new every morning to carry you in your "new and what is."

Power Washing

My to-do list today-
Ok, wait, let me back up. I'm not a to-do list person. Personality tests and a good look of things like my closet and drawers, and most days my desk at school, make that pretty clear. But recently I've been challenged to make a list each night of 3-5 important things that I need to accomplish the next day. I have found this task beneficial in trying to adjust to this new normal. But today, I had not done very well in checking off my list. In fact, there wasn't much on it. Not that I don't have plenty I could be doing- I just didn't follow through too well last night with planning for another day. I'm learning that other things take over when I don't have a plan. 

And so it did today, as it turned into a work outside day- not on my list.
I found myself with a brush and some bleach, and ended up on the steps of our front porch. I've looked at them for weeks, months -ok, years. Moss was growing on them, along with little sprigs of grass here and there, even a pretty purple flower had bloomed between cracks, and years of "stuff" covered them like a wallpaper for bricks.
I took my brush and started scrubbing. I was making slow progress, I thought. 
Our neighbor must have noticed my tedious work, and yelled over that they had a pressure washer we could borrow. 
I was somewhat enjoying my scrubbing but my husband agreed to accept the offer and I soon a found a pressure washer in my hands for the very first time. 

Our neighbor said "it's very therapeutic." He was correct. 
His wife said, "You have to get close." Also correct.

I began on the porch. Before my eyes, the transformation began to take place. 
Now for those of you who use one of these often, I'm sure it's no big deal. But to see the difference in the before and after was amazing. And yes, I found that I had to get very close with the nozzle to the source of the grit and grime, in order to make much of a difference.  I could hold it 6-8 inches away, and while it might remove the outer layer of pollen and dirt, it took getting very close-up to really wash it all away. As I moved down - slowly, I might add- to the steps that appeared black, they soon became the orange-reddish color they were meant to be. I should've done this 12 years ago!

Once again, the lesson here was not lost on me,
How often do I just "brush over" the sin in my life? Or maybe I stand at a little bit of a distance, and ask for forgiveness, not really wanting to get close to the real problem. 
But that's were the real cleansing comes. Up close and personal. Jesus gets close to the problem. When healing people, He asked them often, what did they want? He also often reached out and touched them. But both required them to admit what they needed, and to accept His touch, whether physical or spiritual, or both.

I noticed as I was washing, the closer I got, the cleaner it got. 
That is the same with Jesus. The closer we get to Him, we first see how dirty we really are. But if we let Him, He will cleanse it all away.

I thought back to my neighbors words: "It's very therapeutic." The word therapeutic actually means "relating to the healing of disease." While this act of power-washing may be "therapy" for our mind or relieve some stress for the day, we all stand in need of something more therapeutic, something that needs healing in us.

The act was more for my porch steps than for me. The steps were "diseased." And so is my heart. We stand in need daily of a Savior. He is the Healer of our disease, the disease of sin. 
This virus is rampant- but long before that, sin was. And there is only one Healer.

As Easter approaches, I want to find myself close to Him. I want Him close to me. I want to reflect on His blood that was shed, for "without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sins." Hebrews 9:22 
That is the true power washing. Reminds me of an old hymn we use to sing! 
"Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin!" Psalms 51:2

As you can see, I'm not done.
(I wish I had a before picture of the steps.)
I stopped at the sidewalk. It is a good reminder of what it looks like before and after.  And that there's still much to be done- I daily need His mercy and grace. I guess that's why God continually uses cleaning in my life to teach me these lessons- He's still working on me! 

April 1- Fifteen Years Later

A long time ago, April first was a celebrated day in our family- well, at least through spoken celebrations. It is my Nanny's birthday. Growing up in my home, birthdays were not much different than any other day. We might send cards or pick some flowers out of the yard, possibly. But other than that, we didn't celebrate birthdays. I know I had a 5 year old birthday party- not because I remember, but because I've seen the pictures of myself posed with my Raggedy Ann cake, surrounded by my brother and cousins. I do recall the surprise birthday party I had when I was 15, attended by a friend and boyfriend, and probably my little brother. Other than that, birthdays weren't a big deal, but they were dates embedded in my head of those closest to me.

Fast forward- or rewind rather- to 15 years ago, when another April Fool's Day came around. On that day, I found myself pregnant for the third time and sitting in a doctor's office, waiting ultrasound results- results that would bring me to my knees and change our world forever. 

"I remember it all- oh how well I remember, the feeling of hitting the bottom.........."

That day, in that small doctor's office, I sat as he told me our child would most likely be stillborn or would not live long after birth. And he was right. After carrying our son Pruitt for 37 weeks, he was born (a beautiful baby) in July of that summer, and lived 33 days before leaving us right around sunrise on a Sunday morning in August.

I've written of this before......so I understand if you have tired of hearing my story. 

But every April fools day that rolls around, my mind and heart takes me back to that room, to that day- the day my world fell apart. It was a day that felt like a dream- surreal- that this could not be happening to me, to us and our little family. But it did.

"But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope..."

Hope. If you come in our house, you will see that word in several places. God's grace and a whole lot of Hope. It was what got me through, and what still gets me through days like today. 

But I write this today for you. Perhaps your world has fallen apart today. I know somewhere, somewhere probably pretty close by, someone's has. My own family is experiencing this as my aunt's family has lost a loved one due to the virus. 

I have gotten off of Facebook for a few days because it was too much for me. I told a friend, although I've been here before- in the unknown, all the reports and news was getting to me, and it doesn't take much to allow my mind to wander, and before I know it, it is filled with worry. It became an anxiety pandemic of my thoughts. 

I had to be reminded of Truth. 

In those days 15 years ago, there was so much unknown. We really had no idea how things were going to turn out. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. But what DO we know?

God's loyal love could't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great is your faithfulness!

Yes. This we know!! This is what we have to hold on to in the middle of the crisis, the storm, the loss, the pandemic, the unknown.

I wrote this in my journal 15 years ago- a quote by FB Myer. "Has He not thus brought you into difficulties that He may have an opportunity of strengthening your faith, by giving some unexplained proof of His power? Wait only on the Lord, trust also in Him, He will provide."

He will provide. EVERYTHING we need. Comfort, peace, provision, strength, grace, mercies new every morning. 

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. 

Lamentations 3:19-24

Demi, Kobe, and Me

And yes, I know that title is grammatically incorrect, my high school English teachers :)

Were it not for the fact that I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl, the names Demi Lovato and Kobe Bryant might be lost on me.....Really, they might. But my girl loved her Disney Channel, and my boy is right at this moment attending a Grizzlies Basketball game, so these two celebrity names were dropped and watched occasionally in our home. This has been a week of tweets and posts regarding the two- Kobe certainly more than Demi, I'm sure. And I don't mean to take anything away from that tragedy- because I too stayed glued to Fox News on Sunday, until I made myself get up and go to the doctor to get a shot for strep. However,  Demi hasn't been too far from my mind either. She wouldn't have been, if I hadn't tuned in to the Grammy's Sunday night. (Yes, I'm sure there were better things I could do.) But my interest was piqued as Demi took the stage to sing. I knew some of her back story, because of my teenage daughter. I knew that she had struggled with anxiety, depression, substance abuse and overdosed, then was in rehab. This would be her first performance since being hospitalized- and this message was NOT lost on me. Some of her lyrics...."a hundred million stories and a hundred million songs, I feel stupid when I sing; Nobody's listening to me...I talk to shooting stars but they always get it wrong, I feel stupid when I pray, so why am I praying anyway if nobody's listening.. Anyone, please send me anyone. Lord is there anyone, I need someone..." 

I was moved to tears. Not because I follow Demi on Instagram and know her so well and watched all her movies. But because my heart hurt for her. And because if I'm honest, how many people do I come in contact with everyday who feel this way. And if I'm being REALLY honest, how many times have I felt that way?

And I was moved to tears watching Fox News. Not because I followed Kobe on Instagram and I watched all of his games and am a huge fan, but because my heart hurt for his family- and the families of all the others who died that day. And because I do come in contact with people EVERYDAY down the street or in the halls or on Facebook who did lose someone they love. 

Maybe I'm not making sense here.

My point is....

What is eternal? 

I'll probably never meet Demi Lovato or Kobe Bryant's family. I'll never have the opportunity to minister to them. Sure, I can pray for them. 

But my mind is more on their souls. Did Kobe know the Lord? Does Demi? More personally- does my neighbor? My co-worker? My family? Does my life even reflect that I do?

I was reminded once again today that we waste A LOT of time on things that ARE. NOT. ETERNAL.  I'm so guilty. (I'll refrain from listing my TV shows here....)

But aren't we all caught up in the insignificant? Games, fame, music, grades, trophies, money, food, clothes, other's opinions, sleep... (ok, my own toes are hurting.)

I was bent out of shape a week ago over test scores. NOT ETERNAL.

One of my sweet first grade babies told me today that she invited Jesus in her heart. ETERNAL!!!!!  Praise God!! Somebody's eyes are focused on things unseen!

My prayer is that I will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading when He puts a Demi in my life- one who is begging for anyone who will listen. May I be that someone.

Or when I feel like no one is listening and that my prayers don't matter- remind me that He is listening.

Or when He puts a Bryant family, or an Altobelli family, or a Mauser family or Chester family or Zobayan family in my path, He will give me words of comfort and the message of hope that they can have in Him. 

That is eternal. 

And if I'm not sensitive to the Spirit's leading- that is also eternal.

Colossians 3:1-3

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

A few days after my last blog, I found myself battling the exact thing I had blogged about. While I won’t make this my platform for confession, (although I did share with a couple of people what I had done), I will say that even as I was doing it, I knew better. Hopefully I’m not alone when I say that. I think we all find ourselves at times giving in to that temptation- whether it be lying, gluttony, gossip, even the act of just not doing what we are supposed to do, or worse. We, like Paul, struggle with doing what we are supposed to, and not doing what we should.
I tried to justify my sin, and to some, they may even think it was no big deal. But I knew what God had said to me, and I disobeyed anyway.
That was brought back to mind today when I saw this:

Now, I haven’t researched cicadas, and don’t know the process of their shedding... maybe I’ll do some research later! But immediately when I saw it, I was reminded of Scripture.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says “if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.”
Romans 6 tells us we must consider ourselves dead to sin and alive in Christ!

How often do I find myself hanging on to my old self, just like this cicada. I watched him for a little bit, and he continued to hold on to his old shell.
Over and over again, I find myself doing the same. Are you like me or am I alone? Why is it so difficult to let go of some of our old ways? Or maybe we do let go for a while, only to find ourselves right back where we started. It’s the continual struggle- the battle of the flesh.

I’m also reminded of familiar yet powerful verses that God uses in my life several years ago: “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free....If the Son has set you free then you are free indeed.”

I think therein lies the answer. The Truth! We must be ever leaning on the Truth.
I will confess here a different sin, that I also confessed to Jason yesterday. I was getting ready to leave for the weekend, and asked, “Have you seen my Bible?” I think you know where this is going... obviously I hadn’t read it much this week if I couldn’t seem to find it.  Oh, I had used my Bible app on my phone a couple of times, and read a devotion. But spending valuable time in the Word had not been a priority. Instead, it was lesson plans, housework, long hours at work and other things that I easily let fill my time.
If I’m not walking in the Truth, I’m much more likely to be hanging on to the ways of the old man.
Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe we can all lift each other up as well and “encourage each other all the more as we see the Day approaching.”
I know I sure need it. Do you?

So........It has been FOREVER since I've blogged- I'm actually surprised I remembered how to log in.......Life has certainly been moving along since my last post.
We've since gone through graduation that was expected and a diagnosis that was not, and now another Senior year upon us.
Today's day to day was no different......work until 5:30, home to eat, and an unforeseen burst of energy spurred me into "cleaning like your mother-in-law is coming."
I eventually found myself once again on my hands and knees in the kitchen. I've been there several times, usually with a magic eraser. The reason: 

The linoleum should look white with gray........but these little grooves hold dirt that I've tried to scrub many times. The magic eraser cleans it at a surface level but doesn't quite do the job.

Tonight, I decided to use a brush. Why this never occurred to me before, I don't know. Maybe because I've just done the same thing over and over.........I think there's a word for that. 

Insanity, anyone?

As I was brushing away, I found myself thinking how silly it really was that I had never used a brush. The results were not lost on me.

Maybe the difference isn't staggering to you, but if you had looked at those little black grimy spots as many times as I have, you would be just as excited to see them gone!

I scrubbed and scrubbed for as long as I could, until my sugar dropping called me to stop!

But once again, as I was there on the floor, God was speaking. And I'm so glad He did.

I know He's spoken over the past year and a half, but my blogs sure aren't evident of it, and I began to wonder, "Does my LIFE give evidence that He's still speaking to me?"

I went back to those spots of dirt that had collected in those tiny little crevices. The Lord was asking me to look at my own heart. How many little nooks and crannies were there in my heart that were speckled with sin. Maybe from a distance, they weren't that noticeable to others, unless they were looking for them. But they were noticeable to me.

I knew exactly what was in those places.

And all the while, I have tried to "surface" clean them, when I needed Him to take His brush and scrub them away. 

Romans 8:13 says "If you use your lives to do the wrong things your sinful selves want, you will die spiritually. But if you use the Spirit's help to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, you will have true life."

If you come inspect my kitchen floor, you will definitely not find it perfect. It's still a work in progress. 

We all are. But once we realize that we need Him and that we must confess and repent, He begins to make us new, in each and every area. 

Then, as 2 Corinthians 7:1 says, "Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God."

It feels good to write again, but even better to know that God continues to have a Word for me; and even if I don't get it out to the social media outlets, I pray others will see the that "He's still working on me."

Breath of Heaven

I remember listening to this song over and over when I was in high school. I had the Amy Grant Christmas album (or cassette!) and would rewind again and again to hear it.
Mary's Song.
In the past few years and again recently, I've sang it at church- I know Amy does it better!
I suppose this year more than ever, as I sang, I selfishly thought a little less of Mary, and more of others, self included. Not to take anything away from Mary at all. When we think of her, we do think of her special calling, and yes, she was favored among women.
But as the words sung out amidst nervousness, it really was a prayer from own my heart, and for so many on my mind.

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together....Lighten my darkness...."
So many hurting hearts around us.
I've been there- some days I still am.
We pass people every single day, and little do we know that inside they feel like life is falling apart. A sickness, a wayward child, a terminal diagnosis, a marriage in pieces, a family without a loved one this season, a loss of a child, a broken heart, an fear of the unknown, anxiety, depression, addiction, a military spouse overseas, a foster child.....we know the list goes on and on...that which seems like a cloud of darkness over them.

"Frightened by the load I bear, In a world as cold as stone, Must I walk this path alone....."
The load is sometimes unbearable. The world doesn't seem to care. Sometimes it feels like even those closest to us do not care.
Mary had those same feelings, I am sure. To know the story is to know that she was probably forgotten, shunned, shamed and lonely many times.
Much like Mary, those feelings seem to prevail in us more than those of hope sometimes.

"Help me be strong, help me."
Even on the days when Mary probably felt confused, afraid, and uncertain, she knew Who was in control. The angel told her the power of the Holy Spirit was upon her. Luke 1:35 says the power of the Most High will overshadow you." In context it refers to the work of the Holy Spirit that allowed her to conceive. He who was within her was God, the Word- Christ.
We too have access to that same Word. If we are His, He is in us.
This song is not just for Mary- it is for all.
The same breath of Heaven that was in her is in us!
What encouragement we can find in that truth!

As I sang this song last week for the last time this Christmas season, I saw tears being wiped away from a face who no longer sees her precious mother. I knew that was her prayer, that the Breath of Heaven would hold her together every second, every minute, every hour that her hurting heart cries. Or at least, if it wasn't her prayer, it was mine for her.
You may be in a similar season.

We can relate to Mary. We know later she would have had these same feelings of fear, grief and uncertainty at the foot of the cross. But maybe, just maybe, her mind went back to her song of praise found in Luke 1:46. She recalled His promise to be with her and her soul was able to magnify Emmanuel, God who was with her.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Breath of Heaven, hold together those who are hurting today.
May they feel you ever so close, and can look back like Mary and say, "the Mighty One has done great things for me- holy is His name."

Honeysuckle and Briars

As much as I love writing, I CAN NOT BELIEVE it's been a year almost since I've blogged. Have I done nothing "blog worthy" in a year? Well. Maybe it's stored inside rather than on paper. But today seemed like a good day.
This blog will be similar to a past post. But for whatever reason, it must be what I needed today. Yet there's so much more in my mind and on my heart right now.......

None the less, here goes.
So I'm sure they think I'm crazy. My neighbors, that is.
I'm certain most other people I'm around would agree. Some days, more than others. I forget a lot; I ask for repeated directions. I've been known to put wrong things in wrong places. I'll just blame age.

Back to my neighbors.
I decided to go do yard work, at 6:00, after another day of working till 5:00- because that sounds like a fun thing to do on a Friday night. I tried to get Presley to help. That didn't last long.

So my neighbor is sitting in his yard, unbeknown to me, for a little while while I'm "de-stressing" after an hard week. I finally see him and pretend that I had to check my phone. Why? Because I don't know the first thing about cutting shrubs. I tried to get some advice from my mom a few days ago about it. She did tell me I could cut it, but I would lose the berries from this bush that usually turn red in winter. Well, I really didn't mind - and Presley agreed saying, "We ain't never picked them for Christmas before."
Anyway, after I see that my neighbors have gone inside- and hope that they are not looking out their window- I go back to trimming the "shrub."  Here's a before picture.

If you notice, there's a lot of things that don't belong. You see some kind of oak tree. There's a few briars mixed in, and the whole thing is pretty much taken over by honeysuckle. My mama told me this is a Nandina. It's kind of hard to tell though, because of the honeysuckle.
I didn't realize how much honeysuckle, until I started cutting and pulling and tearing it away from the plant.
I was pulling it from the stems, and being reminded of Presley not wanting to cut out all the honeysuckle- because she wanted it to bloom in the spring.
It's sweet fragrance can be smelled from a distance. It's pretty to look at, and you're not country unless you know how to suck the juice from its blooms. Plus, there's the whole attracting bees and pollination thing too.
But so many things in our lives can compare to the honeysuckle- many good and beautiful things, that are helpful and enjoyable. Yet if we let them, they can overtake what we were meant to be. The Nandina stood tall, but was living under the burden of what didn't belong there. The red berries were meant to be the fruit of that plant. Yes, the briars had crept their way in, as briars usually do. No they don't belong either, and represent all the bad things we let in our lives.
But sometimes what seems like the good things can take over our lives. I've heard it said, "The good is the enemy of the best. "
There's been many a Bible study on this very thing. Saying no to certain things, in order to say yes to the best things.
I have to admit, I'm not good at that. And honestly, now, I feel like the Nandina, burdened with so many things. It's SO. HARD. TO. FIND. BALANCE.
And the solution is keeping check on it all the time.
If I were a good gardener, I would have never let it get that bad.

So what now? Does my yard look flawless? Nope. Not at all.
But look at the weight that has been lifted from Nandina. (She's on the right....Well maybe on the left too....I don't know my plants very well. But I'm pretty sure they are the same!) As I carried that pile to the road, I'm sure the neighbors still thought I was crazy because I looked like a walking bush. But it needed to be on the road, carried off to the compost pile. 

Doesn't she look refreshed!? 

What in my life needs to be cut away, even that which seems good?

I'm reminded of the Proverbs 31 woman. I re-read that passage, and found verse 25-26.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom..." 
She is confident and has learned through wisdom what to say yes to, and what to let go of.
May we all learn from this passage, and seek the Lord's will for what He would want us to do. 

And if we don't have red berries for Christmas this year, it will be ok.

Run Hard

Evidently I've been busy. While writing is close to my heart, I guess other things have been closer the past few months. But, it's that season again. A season that inspires me. The season of cross country. For the life of me, I don't know why these kids (or anyone) would want to run for fun. I keep thinking I'm gonna try it one day, but I learned back at the beginning of the summer that you have to start small and work your way up to this running thing. I tried running up a hill to catch a picture of a sunset and thought I might have a heart attack. So, my running record is a poor one!

Today, we were at another meet with Peyton. I love seeing the new spectators, and watch them learn how this whole sport works. I am still learning too. But most of all, I love the unity of the team, and the lessons I learn watching my son, and others, run.

During his race, I had "ran" my way back towards the finish line. (By ran, I mean, my jog turned into a brisk walk, which then, just changed into a slow one as we checked the time, and realized we still had about two minutes to get to the finish to watch the runners come through.) As I cheered on our team, I overheard someone yelling to another runner, "Run hard; he's coming." 

"Write that one down," I said.

While I didn't have pen and paper, or even my phone to take notes on, I thought about the truth in those four words.

Run hard. He's coming. 

As I thought about Scripture, and later looked them up, I came upon this one. 

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

I thought about the sin that we face daily in this race that we are struggling through. Satan is coming after us. I see it everyday. In my life, my kids lives, my marriage. We see it in families destroyed by addictions, abuse, affairs. We see it through division, diversion and distractions. I saw this in the life of one in recent months, who had overcome so many struggles by the grace of God and was sharing that with others, yet the evil remained close, and he lost the battle.  Satan is coming after us. As I heard those words today, I pictured the image of the enemy chasing that boy, as he was so close to the finish line. Our kids are being bombarded with temptations that are at their fingertips. The culture they are growing up in is so far from the Word of God. They are being lied to, and the Truth seems to be a thing of the past. And the enemy is right on their heels, hoping they will trip up and fall. Because the enemy knows his time is limited, and we are trying to "run hard."

Because HE is coming! Yes! Satan knows his time is drawing shorter and shorter. So of course he would be busy.

We must run hard!! He's coming! Run with endurance. Don't give up.   

"....looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

"holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain." Phil. 2:15b

He is the founder of our faith and He will perfect it when we finally finish our race. 

When these kids run, they know the finish line is up ahead. They can't see it yet, but they know it's there. When they cross it, then what they hoped and waited to get to, will be there. Their faith will be made sight. Of course, all don't finish at the same time; each one runs the "race marked out for" them. 

Yes, the enemy is coming. He's a roaring lion seeking us to destroy us. (1 Peter 5:8) Yet he disguises himself as an angel of light. (2 Cor. 11:14) He's on our heels, attacking where he can. 

But we as believers must "Run Hard." We must hold on tightly to the Word of Truth, teaching it to our children, and sharing it with others. So many need to hear that Truth. And know that He, the King of Kings, is coming for us, either when our earthly race is won, or when He returns. He will give us the strength until that day.

So run hard!

The Struggle is Real

If you look it up in Urban Dictionary, this is what you will find: 
"Denotes a situation where the user wishes to express that they are encountering some sort of undesirable difficulty, but dealing with it. With irony, it has a comical effect of dramatizing a non-critical, yet undesirable situation."

The Struggle is Real. You've seem the memes posted on Facebook of the ice cube sandwich or baby crying because it's Monday. Or this one, if you are a teacher.

 

Struggles. The mountain of laundry. The pile of dishes in the sink. The crying baby or barking dog. A flat tire. A dead battery. The leaky faucet. 
Yes, we might consider these a bit of a struggle. The things that we face day to day that might be a hinderance or little test at the time. We all have them; it's a part of life. 
But as I considered this phrase that we often see like this in our social media posts- #thestruggleisreal- I realized there is a LOAD of truth in it. 
Everyday we are faced with a struggle that is born out of the spiritual realm.

I read the books This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness by Frank Peretti when I was in high school. I remember thinking then, how frightened we would be if we could see the "unseen" that goes on around us everyday. Then I was again reminded of this after I recently started a Bible study called the Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer. From Day 1 in the book, she points out that this life we live is really a spiritual war. She says, "The most troubling things in life....are not your real issue. Everything that occurs in the visible, physical world is directly connected to the wrestling match being waged in the invisible, spiritual world."  
Paul says it best in Ephesians: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

Priscilla Shirer goes on to say that the word "struggle" there, sometimes translated "wrestle," means "a contest or fight between opponents, waged in close hand to hand combat with the goal of pinning down and defeating ones rival."
Satan wants to pin us down and keep us from doing anything productive for the Kingdom. Once we are Christ-followers, he knows he can't have us, but he can distract us and pull us away from that which God intends for us to do.
Of course, there is also a struggle for the life of those who have not surrendered to Christ. No matter where we are spiritually, we are at war.

I saw this so clearly as I watched "The Passion Live in New Orleans" last night. One of the most moving scenes to me was the moment in the garden as Judas betrays Jesus with a kiss. I had never heard the song before that was put to this scene. I looked for the clip of the actual scene, but could only find the song. It may be hard to visualize, and the song is sung by both characters, the one who plays Judas and the one who plays Jesus. 
Just hearing the song won't do the scene justice, so I included the lyrics, and highlighted in red the line that the character of Jesus sings to Judas.


Jencarlos Canela - Demons (From “The Passion: New Orleans”) ft. Chris Daughtry - YouTube

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where your demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where your demons hide

At the curtain’s call
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

If you didn't see "The Passion," maybe it'll re-air. Yes, it was dramatized in a modern way with secular songs, but the gospel was preached. And as I watched the Judas scene, I identified with the struggle. Not quite the same wrestling, where you see on "Judas'" face the war raging over what he was about to do. Well, maybe sometimes, yes.  But our own wrestling: The struggle within, the one that we hide and don't want others to see. The dark places. The masquerade. The greed, the selfishness- all because of the spiritual battle that takes place around us.  
Yet Jesus calls out, He sees the brightness in our eyes, the light within; He longs to shelter us. He is our shield, and He will fight for us. 

Yes, the struggle is real. It's way more than Monday morning alarms and indoor recess and laundry. 

And as we approach Easter, I'm reminded that it is only because of the cross and the power that raised Christ from the dead, that we can be equipped to fight, putting on the armor of God Himself. And after "having done everything, to stand firm," victorious through the blood of Christ! 

Did They Know?

When we think of the Christmas story, we usually think of main characters: Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Shepherds, Magi, and Angels. Our pastor spoke of this tonight, as sermons have been brought and songs have been sung from the own personal perspective of each of these. If you were with our youth group this past week, you would have heard a message on Herod, another individual who we read about here. Yet as I was reading along tonight, I found an additional group of people whose story is briefly mentioned among the Scriptures in Matthew 2. They might not even be considered minor characters- the mothers and fathers of the babies killed at Herod's command. This part of the story is pivotal, for with this decree we learn of the angel's appearance to Joseph, warning him to escape to Egypt with Mary and Jesus, thus fulfilling another prophecy surrounding Jesus' birth (Hosea 11:1). We know Herod ordered that all baby boys, who were two years and under, to be killed. From my understanding, the time frame that the Magi found Jesus would have been much longer than a few days. Herod's order was to cover all those who could've been born within whatever time that was, those he saw as a threat to his kingdom. 
The time issue is not my point. As I was reading these passages, it occurred to me that first of all, it is in the Word for a reason. We may not know all of those reasons. But as I read, I like to put myself in the place of those I'm reading about, and try to imagine how they felt. So, how did these mothers feel? Another prophecy is fulfilled as we read in verse 18: "A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning. Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more."
But as I read this, I fast-forward myself, as if I were one of those specific mothers, to thirty or so years later. 
I wonder, when He came on the scene, when they heard of Him, of His miracles, His teachings, His compassion- did they think about their own sons who would've been His age? Did they know how He had escaped death as a baby? Did they question why? I wonder, when He made His triumphal entry to Jerusalem, a neighboring city to Bethlehem, did they know it was Him? Did they know that He was that baby, born around the same time that their own was born?  No, there's no comparison to those baby boys, and Jesus, other than their ages. He was God, and there was a plan.

But, did these mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers hear the story of the Samaritan woman, how she tried to fill the void in her life with other men- until she met that Man? Did they hear of how He calmed the storms, while they may have still been drowning in their own grief? Did they hear of the healing of the blind and lame, and long for their hearts to be healed of their loss? Did they stand from a distance, and gaze to the cross, seeing His mother cry as she watched her own Son die? If they did, then surely they heard the news of His resurrection. Perhaps they were even among those who saw Him. And in Him, the One Who, if things had been different, would've grown up and played with their own children- in Him, they saw hope. Maybe they trusted in His words, His grace, and allowed it to heal the hurt they had carried for so long. Maybe.

We don't get to know how the story of these "minor characters" ends. But when we look at the Christmas story, we are somewhat like them. No, our specific names are not written in Scripture (Well, unless your mama gave you a Bible name!) But, we can find ourselves there. Whether you are like these who lost precious babies, or like the woman at the well who keeps trying to find satisfaction in the wrong things- or you are caught in the storm, and about to go under.  Yes, we find ourselves in Scripture when He says, "Whoever believes on Him"(Jn. 3:16), "Peace I give you" (Jn.14:27), "They may have life more abundantly" (Jn. 10:10), "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free" (Jn 8:32).

Do you know that He's the One, the King, the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, The Living Water, The Calmer of your storm, the Comforter?

This Christmas season, look to that Baby, who is our Savior that came to bring peace and hope to wherever you find yourself today. 

First Time for Everything

It's been a minute since I've last blogged. I guess it's because of life happening and just being busy-along with the fact that I always have 50 things running through my head, and don't take the time to just focus on one. It's hard to do when there's thoughts of  to-do lists and places to be, my husband, my children, my job, just day to day life in general.....You know how it is. Then there's just times when I can't really find the words for what I want to say. And if I don't make notes in that handy-dandy app on my phone, I have a tendency to forget. So this post is a combination of the two.
I was recently asked to sing at a funeral. This was a first for me. I wasn't sure what I would sing- I really only had one or two funeral song tracks. Then when they called back, their first song choice was one of those tracks I had.
This situation was also a little different for me, because I did not know this dear lady who had passed away. I suppose that may make it easier to sing at someone's funeral. I can't imagine trying to make it through a song for a funeral of someone I know well.
Listening to the pastor, I could tell this lady was very special. I thought as I sat there, that I sure would've liked to have known her. Then he went on to say how she's not suffering anymore, and if you were to ask her, she would say that the pain and hurt didn't matter, and it all made sense now. Tears were in my eyes at this point. 

As always, the holidays can be difficult. I think of so many who have to face the upcoming weeks of "firsts." The first Christmas without their son, daughter, husband or wife, parent, or grandparent. Every little part of the holidays, or even that entire first year is so hard. It's almost as if you can't breathe. You attend the events, the get-togethers, the church services-all with tear filled eyes. For the most part, others tiptoe around your grief. 
This year makes the 10th Christmas without Pruitt- and the 28th without my grandmother, who passed away suddenly on Christmas Eve when I was 13. It's not as hard as that first year, but holidays bring things back.
As I thought about that sweet lady's funeral, and how it was said of her that she would now say "It all makes sense now," I thought of my own sadness, along with countless others. I know those of you who are experiencing a "first" this year- or even a second or third year- you may not see how it will all make sense. No matter how long it's been, we really won't know until eternity. A line in the song I sang at the funeral says, "The shadows disappear, and my faith shall be my eyes." Finally, one day, our faith will be made sight. It will all make sense then. 
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
Even as I write this and think about comparing our suffering to the glory ahead, I feel almost ashamed to even use the word suffering when talking about my own experience when so many are truly suffering in our world. In light of recent events, persecution and turmoil, my storm seems small in comparison. Yet even so, I know that God is just as concerned about you and I as He is the rest of the world. I was reminded of that in this morning's sermon. He wants me. He loves me. He loves you. He knows how hard this upcoming "first" will be. He understands, because He experienced a first when He sent His Son to die.

A few weeks ago we were at the Cross Country state meet. I've blogged about the sport before, and I love the lessons I learn through it. I'm sure I'd learn them in a more personal way if I took up running myself......hmmm, there's a first time for everything, right? :)
As we watched our girls line up to race, I overheard a lady shout to whomever she was cheering for. This is what she said: "Run hard; I'll be waiting for you."
She would be waiting at the finish line.

Our loved ones who have gone to be with the Lord could say that to us today, but more than that, the Lord Himself says that. "Run hard, my child. I'll be waiting for you." Yes, Holy Spirit is with us now. But one day, we will see Him. Our faith will be made sight. And like that precious lady, we will say our suffering was worth it, it all makes sense now. Although it may be your first Christmas without them, it's their first with Him. Faith turned to sight. 

If you are running your race of firsts this Christmas, it's okay to cry at the gatherings and it's okay to laugh if you find yourself watching "Home Alone" or "Christmas Vacation." It's okay to skip the Christmas Eve service or let the tears fall through the entire thing. It's okay to hang that stocking again. It's okay to say their name, and share the memories.
My heart hurts for you and my eyes fill with tears even now because I remember. But know that Emmanuel, God with us, is there. He gives grace for the firsts. He knows your hurt, and that you may not see how it'll ever be worth it or make sense. 

And if you can't run hard, then crawl to His arms and be held by the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, the Everlasting Father. There you'll find that this first time won't be the last time. And you will find Him faithful every time.

The Spider Part 2

"What if we kill the spider?"

Why didn't that thought occur to me when I ventured out that night in the dark to take photos of the one caught? 
Yeah, I thought about saving the lightning bug- after it was too late. But it never crossed my mind to kill the enemy.
And because I didn't, here is the result:

Spider has been busy.

Not just one egg sac.

Three.

And one is hatching.

(BTW, notice the Halloween decor. It's cheap).

This picture is from a couple of days ago. Even more have hatched out since. 

And Spider is still busy. Earlier, I checked on her and it appeared she was continuing to work. I know that some spiders die after they lay eggs. Others leave their young to fend for themselves.

That's just like the enemy.

He gets us where he wants us, traps us, then leaves us with ruined lives and feeling like we are alone with no where to go.

But another part of this story that stood out to me, is that this spider has reproduced A LOT of young to follow after it. 

If only I had killed the spider........

Now, before any of you animal lovers- (like people who bring their pet snakes to Walmart- sorry, that's another blog), but before you get in a frenzy- I know that spiders do good. They kill bugs that eat up our gardens and all that- but for the sake of the illustration, 

KILL THE SPIDERS!

Just kill it. Put it to death.

Colossians 3:5-8The Message (MSG)

^5-8 And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It’s because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn’t long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

Here's another:

Hebrews 12:1-3New International Version (NIV)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

Hear me when I say this. I am that lightning bug. I have baby spiders that have hatched in my life because I did not kill the source of it when I should have. 

This morning, on my way to school, I turned the radio off and was praying. I was asking God to forgive me for being lukewarm. Then tonight, I went to see "War Room." Before it started, I silently prayed that the Lord would speak specifically to me, and several times it was mentioned being lukewarm.

I don't want that anymore. 

The things that so easily entangle me, and you perhaps, have to go if we want to be victorious in our walk with Christ. It was said in the movie, "Look at what the enemy is doing, and then put a plan in place to fight against it"

Look at where he is spinning the webs in our life. What traps are set around us? Look to see what baby spiders of sin have reproduced in us- even carried over in our families lives. 

It may be something that seems like a small web. But it may be just sticky enough that it ensnares us, and keeps us from shining as brightly as we need to.

The only way to kill the enemy is through the Word of God. The "Spider" knows his time is coming. He will die. Actually, he's already been defeated. All he can do is make us ineffective the same way other spiders do- setting traps and catching us so that we either don't shine brightly anymore or feel so defeated because we got caught.

Let's not listen to the lies anymore. We have a Rescuer Who

 has overcome. 

Psalm 31:4- Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,  for you are my refuge.

Lastly, if you are like I was this summer, and watched from a distance the one caught, reflect on this verse.  

2 Timothy 2:26- God’s servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil’s trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands.

We all were trapped at some point. Some willfully get caught in the webs. This verse is full of hope. God is still turning hearts to His truth. He is still setting captives free. 

Grace, grace, God's grace; grace that is greater than all our sin.

Epilogue:
The spider is still in my window, along with it's enormous web and egg sacks. A small moth was venturing close, as Miss Spider reached for it. The moth got away, for now. I'm sure she sees the light from my kitchen window, and just wants to be near it. 
Will there be a part 3? Perhaps.
Watch for the webs, my friends. And snakes in Walmart.