The Empty Room

 

I've been mulling over this post for over a month, now.  Five weeks, to be exact. That's how long it's been since she moved out. 

I'm no stranger to an empty room. I've been here before. Walking back into Pruitt's empty nursery may have been the hardest. Everything was left in it's place- except him.

After several weeks, maybe even months- I don't remember exactly- I went back to my Nannie's room, after she left us there on Christmas Eve. I walked back into my Papaw's empty house after he died. I've given the last look several times as we've emptied houses in order to move on to another one.  I've set my eyes on the empty pews at church where saints use to worship; I've even been burdened over empty seats at school where students no longer laugh and learn, for various reasons.  I've driven by homes where friends once lived, now inhabited by those who are strangers to me. Just recently, I left an empty classroom to fill a new one. 

My experience with empty rooms may pale in comparison to some, I'm sure. But I know we could sit and talk and cry together, because we have all been there. 

As I looked at Presley's room that day she left, something shifted. I knew it was coming. I actually handled it pretty well. But life changed that day. Life as it had always been now looked different. She wouldn't actually "live" here anymore. Or at least, that's her plan! I know, they do come back sometimes :)

But looking at her empty room emptied something in me. A little piece of my heart sank because I knew she wasn't in the place where she had always been- at home. Yes, she would come back lots of weekends. But everything that was "old and what had been" was now "new and what is."

Presley moving to college is not the point of this post, though.

It's not lost on me the depths of emptiness. While children moving out of the nest is a form of loss, to a degree- and a small type of grief I do think we as parents go though, we do figure out how to navigate the "new and what is." I'm trying, at least!

But I know the pits of emptiness. I've been in some of them.

The empty crib. 

The empty house.

The empty bed. The empty chair. 

The empty desk. The empty office.

The empty "recent calls" or "text messages."

The empty heart.

We can all relate to one or many. While my losses are somewhat removed from today, they are not removed from my heart. And my heart hurts for so many tonight who are feeling the sting of those empty places that they are walking into. The empty seat they sit beside. The bare closet where the clothes no longer hang. The unoccupied chair at the dinner table. The silent rooms. 

Empty- vacant, unoccupied, bare

As I looked at her empty room, I was reminded of another empty place. I was hesitant to write this that weekend, because so much loss had taken place around us during that time. But, it seems there will never be a "good" day to write this message, because we live in a broken world and hearts are breaking everyday. 

But there is hope. And breaking hearts need that.

The heading in my Bible before John 20 states, "The Empty Tomb." There we read that Mary, Peter and another disciple (the Bible says the one Jesus loved- most likely John), ran to the tomb, and found it EMPTY. Everything was in its place- the burial cloth, the linen strips- EXCEPT JESUS!!! He was not there!

Friends, that is our hope. Tears come to my eyes as I type, because I know your empty place is raw and fresh and new and devastating; I know the pain seems unbearable. But know that your empty place doesn't have to be empty. It doesn't have to be vacant, unoccupied, or bare. Yes, it feels like it. Yes, it sounds like it. Yes, it most definitely looks like it. But whatever left to make that place empty, know that it can be filled with hope- and we have this hope is because of the EMPTY tomb!!

You're going to cry and scream. You're going to ask why? You will likely have sleepless nights and tears that come out of nowhere. That's ok. 

Then fall into His arms. He is faithful to hold you. He gives peace that you cannot understand. His grace reaches into those deep, empty places and lifts you up. Let Him fill your empty heart. Trust in His mercies- He gives it new every morning to carry you in your "new and what is."

Power Washing

My to-do list today-
Ok, wait, let me back up. I'm not a to-do list person. Personality tests and a good look of things like my closet and drawers, and most days my desk at school, make that pretty clear. But recently I've been challenged to make a list each night of 3-5 important things that I need to accomplish the next day. I have found this task beneficial in trying to adjust to this new normal. But today, I had not done very well in checking off my list. In fact, there wasn't much on it. Not that I don't have plenty I could be doing- I just didn't follow through too well last night with planning for another day. I'm learning that other things take over when I don't have a plan. 

And so it did today, as it turned into a work outside day- not on my list.
I found myself with a brush and some bleach, and ended up on the steps of our front porch. I've looked at them for weeks, months -ok, years. Moss was growing on them, along with little sprigs of grass here and there, even a pretty purple flower had bloomed between cracks, and years of "stuff" covered them like a wallpaper for bricks.
I took my brush and started scrubbing. I was making slow progress, I thought. 
Our neighbor must have noticed my tedious work, and yelled over that they had a pressure washer we could borrow. 
I was somewhat enjoying my scrubbing but my husband agreed to accept the offer and I soon a found a pressure washer in my hands for the very first time. 

Our neighbor said "it's very therapeutic." He was correct. 
His wife said, "You have to get close." Also correct.

I began on the porch. Before my eyes, the transformation began to take place. 
Now for those of you who use one of these often, I'm sure it's no big deal. But to see the difference in the before and after was amazing. And yes, I found that I had to get very close with the nozzle to the source of the grit and grime, in order to make much of a difference.  I could hold it 6-8 inches away, and while it might remove the outer layer of pollen and dirt, it took getting very close-up to really wash it all away. As I moved down - slowly, I might add- to the steps that appeared black, they soon became the orange-reddish color they were meant to be. I should've done this 12 years ago!

Once again, the lesson here was not lost on me,
How often do I just "brush over" the sin in my life? Or maybe I stand at a little bit of a distance, and ask for forgiveness, not really wanting to get close to the real problem. 
But that's were the real cleansing comes. Up close and personal. Jesus gets close to the problem. When healing people, He asked them often, what did they want? He also often reached out and touched them. But both required them to admit what they needed, and to accept His touch, whether physical or spiritual, or both.

I noticed as I was washing, the closer I got, the cleaner it got. 
That is the same with Jesus. The closer we get to Him, we first see how dirty we really are. But if we let Him, He will cleanse it all away.

I thought back to my neighbors words: "It's very therapeutic." The word therapeutic actually means "relating to the healing of disease." While this act of power-washing may be "therapy" for our mind or relieve some stress for the day, we all stand in need of something more therapeutic, something that needs healing in us.

The act was more for my porch steps than for me. The steps were "diseased." And so is my heart. We stand in need daily of a Savior. He is the Healer of our disease, the disease of sin. 
This virus is rampant- but long before that, sin was. And there is only one Healer.

As Easter approaches, I want to find myself close to Him. I want Him close to me. I want to reflect on His blood that was shed, for "without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sins." Hebrews 9:22 
That is the true power washing. Reminds me of an old hymn we use to sing! 
"Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin!" Psalms 51:2

As you can see, I'm not done.
(I wish I had a before picture of the steps.)
I stopped at the sidewalk. It is a good reminder of what it looks like before and after.  And that there's still much to be done- I daily need His mercy and grace. I guess that's why God continually uses cleaning in my life to teach me these lessons- He's still working on me! 

April 1- Fifteen Years Later

A long time ago, April first was a celebrated day in our family- well, at least through spoken celebrations. It is my Nanny's birthday. Growing up in my home, birthdays were not much different than any other day. We might send cards or pick some flowers out of the yard, possibly. But other than that, we didn't celebrate birthdays. I know I had a 5 year old birthday party- not because I remember, but because I've seen the pictures of myself posed with my Raggedy Ann cake, surrounded by my brother and cousins. I do recall the surprise birthday party I had when I was 15, attended by a friend and boyfriend, and probably my little brother. Other than that, birthdays weren't a big deal, but they were dates embedded in my head of those closest to me.

Fast forward- or rewind rather- to 15 years ago, when another April Fool's Day came around. On that day, I found myself pregnant for the third time and sitting in a doctor's office, waiting ultrasound results- results that would bring me to my knees and change our world forever. 

"I remember it all- oh how well I remember, the feeling of hitting the bottom.........."

That day, in that small doctor's office, I sat as he told me our child would most likely be stillborn or would not live long after birth. And he was right. After carrying our son Pruitt for 37 weeks, he was born (a beautiful baby) in July of that summer, and lived 33 days before leaving us right around sunrise on a Sunday morning in August.

I've written of this before......so I understand if you have tired of hearing my story. 

But every April fools day that rolls around, my mind and heart takes me back to that room, to that day- the day my world fell apart. It was a day that felt like a dream- surreal- that this could not be happening to me, to us and our little family. But it did.

"But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope..."

Hope. If you come in our house, you will see that word in several places. God's grace and a whole lot of Hope. It was what got me through, and what still gets me through days like today. 

But I write this today for you. Perhaps your world has fallen apart today. I know somewhere, somewhere probably pretty close by, someone's has. My own family is experiencing this as my aunt's family has lost a loved one due to the virus. 

I have gotten off of Facebook for a few days because it was too much for me. I told a friend, although I've been here before- in the unknown, all the reports and news was getting to me, and it doesn't take much to allow my mind to wander, and before I know it, it is filled with worry. It became an anxiety pandemic of my thoughts. 

I had to be reminded of Truth. 

In those days 15 years ago, there was so much unknown. We really had no idea how things were going to turn out. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming. But what DO we know?

God's loyal love could't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great is your faithfulness!

Yes. This we know!! This is what we have to hold on to in the middle of the crisis, the storm, the loss, the pandemic, the unknown.

I wrote this in my journal 15 years ago- a quote by FB Myer. "Has He not thus brought you into difficulties that He may have an opportunity of strengthening your faith, by giving some unexplained proof of His power? Wait only on the Lord, trust also in Him, He will provide."

He will provide. EVERYTHING we need. Comfort, peace, provision, strength, grace, mercies new every morning. 

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. 

Lamentations 3:19-24

Demi, Kobe, and Me

And yes, I know that title is grammatically incorrect, my high school English teachers :)

Were it not for the fact that I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl, the names Demi Lovato and Kobe Bryant might be lost on me.....Really, they might. But my girl loved her Disney Channel, and my boy is right at this moment attending a Grizzlies Basketball game, so these two celebrity names were dropped and watched occasionally in our home. This has been a week of tweets and posts regarding the two- Kobe certainly more than Demi, I'm sure. And I don't mean to take anything away from that tragedy- because I too stayed glued to Fox News on Sunday, until I made myself get up and go to the doctor to get a shot for strep. However,  Demi hasn't been too far from my mind either. She wouldn't have been, if I hadn't tuned in to the Grammy's Sunday night. (Yes, I'm sure there were better things I could do.) But my interest was piqued as Demi took the stage to sing. I knew some of her back story, because of my teenage daughter. I knew that she had struggled with anxiety, depression, substance abuse and overdosed, then was in rehab. This would be her first performance since being hospitalized- and this message was NOT lost on me. Some of her lyrics...."a hundred million stories and a hundred million songs, I feel stupid when I sing; Nobody's listening to me...I talk to shooting stars but they always get it wrong, I feel stupid when I pray, so why am I praying anyway if nobody's listening.. Anyone, please send me anyone. Lord is there anyone, I need someone..." 

I was moved to tears. Not because I follow Demi on Instagram and know her so well and watched all her movies. But because my heart hurt for her. And because if I'm honest, how many people do I come in contact with everyday who feel this way. And if I'm being REALLY honest, how many times have I felt that way?

And I was moved to tears watching Fox News. Not because I followed Kobe on Instagram and I watched all of his games and am a huge fan, but because my heart hurt for his family- and the families of all the others who died that day. And because I do come in contact with people EVERYDAY down the street or in the halls or on Facebook who did lose someone they love. 

Maybe I'm not making sense here.

My point is....

What is eternal? 

I'll probably never meet Demi Lovato or Kobe Bryant's family. I'll never have the opportunity to minister to them. Sure, I can pray for them. 

But my mind is more on their souls. Did Kobe know the Lord? Does Demi? More personally- does my neighbor? My co-worker? My family? Does my life even reflect that I do?

I was reminded once again today that we waste A LOT of time on things that ARE. NOT. ETERNAL.  I'm so guilty. (I'll refrain from listing my TV shows here....)

But aren't we all caught up in the insignificant? Games, fame, music, grades, trophies, money, food, clothes, other's opinions, sleep... (ok, my own toes are hurting.)

I was bent out of shape a week ago over test scores. NOT ETERNAL.

One of my sweet first grade babies told me today that she invited Jesus in her heart. ETERNAL!!!!!  Praise God!! Somebody's eyes are focused on things unseen!

My prayer is that I will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading when He puts a Demi in my life- one who is begging for anyone who will listen. May I be that someone.

Or when I feel like no one is listening and that my prayers don't matter- remind me that He is listening.

Or when He puts a Bryant family, or an Altobelli family, or a Mauser family or Chester family or Zobayan family in my path, He will give me words of comfort and the message of hope that they can have in Him. 

That is eternal. 

And if I'm not sensitive to the Spirit's leading- that is also eternal.

Colossians 3:1-3

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

A few days after my last blog, I found myself battling the exact thing I had blogged about. While I won’t make this my platform for confession, (although I did share with a couple of people what I had done), I will say that even as I was doing it, I knew better. Hopefully I’m not alone when I say that. I think we all find ourselves at times giving in to that temptation- whether it be lying, gluttony, gossip, even the act of just not doing what we are supposed to do, or worse. We, like Paul, struggle with doing what we are supposed to, and not doing what we should.
I tried to justify my sin, and to some, they may even think it was no big deal. But I knew what God had said to me, and I disobeyed anyway.
That was brought back to mind today when I saw this:

Now, I haven’t researched cicadas, and don’t know the process of their shedding... maybe I’ll do some research later! But immediately when I saw it, I was reminded of Scripture.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says “if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.”
Romans 6 tells us we must consider ourselves dead to sin and alive in Christ!

How often do I find myself hanging on to my old self, just like this cicada. I watched him for a little bit, and he continued to hold on to his old shell.
Over and over again, I find myself doing the same. Are you like me or am I alone? Why is it so difficult to let go of some of our old ways? Or maybe we do let go for a while, only to find ourselves right back where we started. It’s the continual struggle- the battle of the flesh.

I’m also reminded of familiar yet powerful verses that God uses in my life several years ago: “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free....If the Son has set you free then you are free indeed.”

I think therein lies the answer. The Truth! We must be ever leaning on the Truth.
I will confess here a different sin, that I also confessed to Jason yesterday. I was getting ready to leave for the weekend, and asked, “Have you seen my Bible?” I think you know where this is going... obviously I hadn’t read it much this week if I couldn’t seem to find it.  Oh, I had used my Bible app on my phone a couple of times, and read a devotion. But spending valuable time in the Word had not been a priority. Instead, it was lesson plans, housework, long hours at work and other things that I easily let fill my time.
If I’m not walking in the Truth, I’m much more likely to be hanging on to the ways of the old man.
Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe we can all lift each other up as well and “encourage each other all the more as we see the Day approaching.”
I know I sure need it. Do you?

So........It has been FOREVER since I've blogged- I'm actually surprised I remembered how to log in.......Life has certainly been moving along since my last post.
We've since gone through graduation that was expected and a diagnosis that was not, and now another Senior year upon us.
Today's day to day was no different......work until 5:30, home to eat, and an unforeseen burst of energy spurred me into "cleaning like your mother-in-law is coming."
I eventually found myself once again on my hands and knees in the kitchen. I've been there several times, usually with a magic eraser. The reason: 

The linoleum should look white with gray........but these little grooves hold dirt that I've tried to scrub many times. The magic eraser cleans it at a surface level but doesn't quite do the job.

Tonight, I decided to use a brush. Why this never occurred to me before, I don't know. Maybe because I've just done the same thing over and over.........I think there's a word for that. 

Insanity, anyone?

As I was brushing away, I found myself thinking how silly it really was that I had never used a brush. The results were not lost on me.

Maybe the difference isn't staggering to you, but if you had looked at those little black grimy spots as many times as I have, you would be just as excited to see them gone!

I scrubbed and scrubbed for as long as I could, until my sugar dropping called me to stop!

But once again, as I was there on the floor, God was speaking. And I'm so glad He did.

I know He's spoken over the past year and a half, but my blogs sure aren't evident of it, and I began to wonder, "Does my LIFE give evidence that He's still speaking to me?"

I went back to those spots of dirt that had collected in those tiny little crevices. The Lord was asking me to look at my own heart. How many little nooks and crannies were there in my heart that were speckled with sin. Maybe from a distance, they weren't that noticeable to others, unless they were looking for them. But they were noticeable to me.

I knew exactly what was in those places.

And all the while, I have tried to "surface" clean them, when I needed Him to take His brush and scrub them away. 

Romans 8:13 says "If you use your lives to do the wrong things your sinful selves want, you will die spiritually. But if you use the Spirit's help to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, you will have true life."

If you come inspect my kitchen floor, you will definitely not find it perfect. It's still a work in progress. 

We all are. But once we realize that we need Him and that we must confess and repent, He begins to make us new, in each and every area. 

Then, as 2 Corinthians 7:1 says, "Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God."

It feels good to write again, but even better to know that God continues to have a Word for me; and even if I don't get it out to the social media outlets, I pray others will see the that "He's still working on me."

Breath of Heaven

I remember listening to this song over and over when I was in high school. I had the Amy Grant Christmas album (or cassette!) and would rewind again and again to hear it.
Mary's Song.
In the past few years and again recently, I've sang it at church- I know Amy does it better!
I suppose this year more than ever, as I sang, I selfishly thought a little less of Mary, and more of others, self included. Not to take anything away from Mary at all. When we think of her, we do think of her special calling, and yes, she was favored among women.
But as the words sung out amidst nervousness, it really was a prayer from own my heart, and for so many on my mind.

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together....Lighten my darkness...."
So many hurting hearts around us.
I've been there- some days I still am.
We pass people every single day, and little do we know that inside they feel like life is falling apart. A sickness, a wayward child, a terminal diagnosis, a marriage in pieces, a family without a loved one this season, a loss of a child, a broken heart, an fear of the unknown, anxiety, depression, addiction, a military spouse overseas, a foster child.....we know the list goes on and on...that which seems like a cloud of darkness over them.

"Frightened by the load I bear, In a world as cold as stone, Must I walk this path alone....."
The load is sometimes unbearable. The world doesn't seem to care. Sometimes it feels like even those closest to us do not care.
Mary had those same feelings, I am sure. To know the story is to know that she was probably forgotten, shunned, shamed and lonely many times.
Much like Mary, those feelings seem to prevail in us more than those of hope sometimes.

"Help me be strong, help me."
Even on the days when Mary probably felt confused, afraid, and uncertain, she knew Who was in control. The angel told her the power of the Holy Spirit was upon her. Luke 1:35 says the power of the Most High will overshadow you." In context it refers to the work of the Holy Spirit that allowed her to conceive. He who was within her was God, the Word- Christ.
We too have access to that same Word. If we are His, He is in us.
This song is not just for Mary- it is for all.
The same breath of Heaven that was in her is in us!
What encouragement we can find in that truth!

As I sang this song last week for the last time this Christmas season, I saw tears being wiped away from a face who no longer sees her precious mother. I knew that was her prayer, that the Breath of Heaven would hold her together every second, every minute, every hour that her hurting heart cries. Or at least, if it wasn't her prayer, it was mine for her.
You may be in a similar season.

We can relate to Mary. We know later she would have had these same feelings of fear, grief and uncertainty at the foot of the cross. But maybe, just maybe, her mind went back to her song of praise found in Luke 1:46. She recalled His promise to be with her and her soul was able to magnify Emmanuel, God who was with her.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Breath of Heaven, hold together those who are hurting today.
May they feel you ever so close, and can look back like Mary and say, "the Mighty One has done great things for me- holy is His name."